Will It Always...

I don't write poetry, typically. But, I got home this morning from work and felt compelled. I've been dealing with a lot lately and have been meaning to vent on here. I didn't for many reasons. Mostly because I haven't been sleeping. My eyes have dark circles underneath them and they're puffy. The past two days I've been staying up for 24 hours at a time. Not exactly healthy, but that's what this midnight shift does to me. And I'll be stuck here until January.

Anyway. There's been a lot going on with me. Personally and professionally. Dealing with Curt lately has been... well... Frustrating. Very frustrating. Lately, he hasn't been talking to me. He's been out right ignoring me. Until today of course. I went about 2 weeks of him completely ignoring me, to him smiling and being, somewhat, flirty and talkative. When I asked if he had been mad at me he said no. He had that sly smile and look. That look means there's more to what he's saying, but he won't tell me. He probably was just playing games. Wanted me to ask him. I don't know. That sounds like something he'd do. He loves to play games with me, he's said so himself.

I wrote this poem because I thought it described my situation somewhat well.. It's about Curt. I'm infatuated with him. I wouldn't say crush, I wouldn't say love, and I wouldn't say obsession. It's infatuation. Even though I fully know it's ridiculous and a waste of time, it's like no matter what I do I fall back into it. I stay away from him and I'm okay, until I see him. Anyway, here's my poem... I don't promise it's good. I don't follow any of the "rules". I just write how I feel.

Will It Always...

Fresh moments away
Leave me temporarily bruised.
My mind refuses to let go.

It's clouded with images
Of blue green intensity,
Rock hard masculinity.
His reverberating bass
invoking sexual desire.

Long does my mind linger
Until the images become faint.
It struggles to hold on.

Time brings the breaking point.
The weight dissipitates.
Suddenly I see other beauties of this world
And no longer do I ache.

Confidence then conjures arrogance
and I'm impenetrable.
Then he emerges.

Time stops.
My breath stolen away.
The devil dressed as an angel.

He smiles flirtaciously
And gazes deep into me.
Somehow he is grasping
Something deep inside me.
Something I could not reach.

And I am his.

The path that led me away
Did not leave me astray.
But led me back to him.

Will I always
Travel this same road.
Can I ever escape?
Or
Will it always
End in his name?

Tired

I was just reading my last post, and it's kind of funny because I made it sound like I never work out. That's not what I meant. I used to work out daily. Running usually. But then I messed up my back pretty bad a few months ago and it put me on light duty for about a month. I had to go to physical therapy 3 times a week, see a specialist, and all sorts of things.

My back isn't really all that better. It's just functional. There's no "cure" to my back problems, so I have to deal. The therapist (who I had to stop seeing for financial reasons) advised that I don't work out that hard. They wanted me to come in and take things (very) slowly... Eh. I'm not a big fan of physical therapy. Honestly, I don't feel that it helped me. They had me doing stupid little exercises that was supposed to help me and it never did. I think that by telling me not to work out and to just come into therapy was their way of draining my pockets. They knew I wanted to get back to running and by telling me that I couldn't run until I did their little therapy thing was a way to get me to keep coming... I don't know. Maybe I am just that skeptic and untrusting. But I stopped going.

Then I started to work out again. And my running has suffered, big time. I can't run nearly as far or long anymore and frankly, that pisses me off. I used to be able to run 3 miles straight. I would be tired but I could do it non stop. Now, it's difficult to run one mile. Today I ran a little over a mile, but I had to walk. My back and legs start to hurt. Mainly my legs, then my back will face the consequences later. It's frustrating as hell and frankly, embarassing. Now...I can sprint. I love sprinting- which is good for work. It's the long distance stuff that's killing me.

Long distance running improves your ability to sprint. It also improves your endurance when in a fight (they say 1 minute of fighting is equivalent to running 1 mile). So, running is a big deal. And to be quite honest, I absolutely hate running. But it's good for me so I do it.

I talked to one of my coworkers today about rebuilding my endurance. He gave me some tips. I'm going to hit the gym as often as I can (I'm going to try to go every day) and get my running back to where it needs to be. And like I said in the last post, I'm on a "diet"... I hate calling it that because if I call it a "diet" I'll fail. So, I'm "eating healthy". Proteins, veggies and nutrician bars. Fruit occassionally, when I have a sugar craving.

I have a really busy week coming up... I worked last night- DUI Enforcement with a coworker. We arrested two DUI's and I got off at about 4am (started at 11pm). I work off duty (off duty is a term used for when I work a job outside, but related to, the PD... It's almost always security work for people or companies) at the bank today from 0845 til 1pm. Then I'm going to come home, sleep and wake up to do more off duty from 11pm to 7am.

Then I work Sunday. Have off duty Monday morning... Work Monday night. Supposed to go to my brother's restaurant that he's opening up in KCK on Tuesday evening. Work Tuesday night. Have a meeting Wednesday morning. Work Wednesday night. Have a counselor appointment Thursday morning. Work Thursday night. Have court that I'm testifying at Friday morning and I'll be off on my weekend (Friday night/Saturday night).

And I'm hoping to get my work outs in there somewhere...

Talk about one hell of a week huh? I did it on purpose. I need the money!

Taking Care of Myself

Well today I got a phone call from my major. Now that I've had 3 counselor visits, the department is going to stop paying for my counseling... I've already explained to my counselor that I can't afford it on my own and my insurance isn't going to help (he's out of network). He passed the message along to go ahead and come visit him on our scheduled visit next week and we'll work something out. He's already told me that if I need to come back to visit him after I find out what the DA's office decides (which could be as soon as next week or in 6 months), that I can come back and visit him for free.

He also recommended a financial counselor that I can go see. He said that it'd also be for free because he's good friends with this counselor and can work it out.

I don't want to take advantage of anybody's good deeds. So, I'm really going to work on myself and make their good deeds worth it. Whatever books or actions he recommends, I'll do it. And maybe as soon as I get my other debt paid off, I can go back... That might be awhile but...

Also, I'm working on my physical health as well as my mental health. They all coincide, right? Lately, I've been cooking all my food (and I don't cook bad food). I try not to eat bad food (every once in awhile I slip, but that's better than every day). I've also been working out. It feels good to take care of myself. I want to feel good in all aspects of my life.

Last night I baked a red velvet cake. I had a peice of that (probably shouldn't have..). Then texted my coworker and told him to come over to pick up the cake and take it back to the station. I can almost guarantee that when I go into work tonight that the cake will be gone. I like to bake, but obviously cake is very counter productive in the whole "eating healthy" thing. So, I still baked and gave it away. It felt good.

Right now I'm cooking fresh asparagus. I'm also going to try and get away from canned food as much as possible. I still have a ton of canned green beans, so I'll eat all that, then start buying fresh ones. I've been taking my One-A-Day vitamin daily. It's weird... I have the One-A-Day multivitamin for women (active metabolism). But every time I take it, within an hour or so, I'm feeling kind of sick... Maybe this is too much info- but within the hour or so, I'll have to go to the bathroom really bad (number 2, not 1). And then it's like I lose my appetite for awhile . I'm wondering if this is because when I take the vitamin, I'm not eating with it (I usually take it right when I wake up). I don't know... It's kinda weird.

Anyway, the working out part kinda sucks. I guess I'm just lazy, but, I want to be healthier, and I want to be able to run faster and longer. That's my goal. Can't exactly reach that goal if you don't work out. So, I work out at the apartment complex's gym. I might've written about that in here before, but the gym really doesn't have much. Just a treadmil, stairmaster, bike and a few free weights. I used the treadmil and stairmaster and free weights yesterday. After I work DUI Enforcement tonight, I'll probably work out in there a bit. Same thing- treadmil, stairmaster and free weights. I don't really like the bike..

I could use the department's gym.. And maybe I will once I feel more comfortable. I just don't want to use the gym when all the super buff, crazy work out guys use the gym. I don't want to be watched. I just want to work on me and not worry about what others think of me while I do it. So, there ya go. I'm workin on me and it feels good. :)

I Didn't Realize

I didn't realize I had it in me. In matter of fact, until last night, I was convinced it was gone from me permanately.

Last night, Travis came over. Now, to sum up a very long story... Travis is 25, works for a local police department that borders the city I work for. He and I met at the academy over a year ago (2 years in January)... He wasn't actually part of my academy class... He used to work for KCMO PD but left that department (politics, very high crime daily, etc.) and came over to the Kansas side. Since he went to Kansas City's academy, he only had to take the law portion of my academy class. Anyway, we hit it off from the second we met.

This is why I like him. He's down to earth. He's "black" but actually is white.. It's hard to explain. He grew up in WyCo (Kansas City Kansas) in a hard neighborhood. So he has that "hood" in him that is a part of me. And just like me, instead of living a life of crime (the way our childhood designed), we live the opposite "good" life. But we never lost our personality.

So, that is why we hit it off. When we met, he was married. His marriage was on the verge of ending, but hadn't ended yet and we had a few indescretions.. Never once did we have sex, but he cheated. I felt bad. We both felt bad and he and I stopped talking. For months. Recently he contacted me again. He's divorced and happily on the prowl. Me? Well, if you've read the previous posts, my life has turned upside down recently. It's hard to say what I want. But nothing casual.

Anyway, I am his only friend that's a girl. All the other girls, he's just tryin to have sex with. He's told me that I am the "coolest" girl he knows and can tell me pretty much anything. He also made it very clear that he wants to have sex with me too, but it's different with me. He wants to keep our friendship. I know better though. I know sex would ruin our friendship so I've told him- no sex. Now, I actually really do want to have sex with him. Really bad. But, until last night, I had thought I actually didn't based on current events.

So he came over last night. I hadn't seen him in months. Our contact has strictly been over the phone by text or calls, almost daily for a few months now. He came over and he looks different. Better... Ever since his divorce, he's been out at the gym, daily. Pumping iron. And it is very obvious. His body... Wow.

We watched a movie. We cuddled. He rubbed my back and just ran his hand along my arm or my waist, stuff that was gentle and subtle but there. I liked it, a lot. I didn't think I would, but I did. Then after the movie, I snatched his phone and we wrestled. Not exactly your cute guy/girl wrestle. Oh no. We're both cops. We both went at it. We wrestled and fought and it was fun. There were moments when he'd pin me and would graze his lips across my neck. Or my side. Cute stuff. At one point, he pinned me against the couch and I leaned in. Our lips touched, I opened my mouth, he opened his and there was a very, very small kiss. Then I pulled away and said we couldn't...

Then things got heated again and he had to pull away. Before he even came over, I told him we weren't going to have sex. He said he respected my decision not to have sex, and because I'm his friend, he wouldn't allow us to. Even after I pretty much had succumb to seduction and changed my mind. He knew I would've regretted it so he wouldn't let it go that far.

After that, we just started talking about anything and everything. The heat was gone and he stayed an additional hour just talking and telling me things. He told me stories of things that happened to him at his old PD and it was nice. Then he left.

What I didn't realize I had in me was... I don't know. For one, I didn't realize I'd actually want to have sex with him. I mean, I did before.. you know. But lately the idea of sex has been disgusting. I don't know what it is about him, but he's always been different. Even before. It's almost like we made that connection that I've never had with any man. He's my best guy-friend, and we have a sexual attraction.

He's on the rebound. He's hurt from the divorce- whether he'll admit it or not- and he won't. I know he needs his time and I know we can't have sex or anything of that nature. I just learned something about myself last night... Well, one- I need to have better self control. Lol. And two-I'm not completely damaged, which is good to know. Now, to let him know things aren't weird, I won't call him for a week, or until he calls me. That sounds childish and silly, but that's how he works. At least right now that's how he works. He doesn't want someone clingy, he doesn't want any of that, and I don't want him to think that's what I want either. Plus, maybe I should break off from him for a little bit. I think maybe I'm starting to feel things I really can't feel for him right now.

But man... He is hot.

I Had a Dream

No, not an inspiring, life changing dream. It was more so a nightmare, but it revealed a lot.

I had a dream that I walked up to doorway of the sergeant's office where Curt was seated, on the computer behind the desk. All I said to him was, "They're not going to prosecute". He turned in his chair and looked at me. It was that look he always gives. The "blank cop stare", which is hard to read most times, but then sometimes it's not. I knew he knew exactly what I was talking about. I walked in all the way and shut the door.

I knew he was my sergeant at the time, which indicates this would've been sometime between October and December (so in the future). What I was talking about was the district attorney's office was not going to file charges against my rapist.

I looked at Curt, pissed beyond belief. I started to vent and say how pissed off I was. How hurt I was. How I went through so much stress and so much pain and it was all for nothing. Then I told him how he didn't realize how bad a rape kit hurts to get done, and how I had to have it done not once but twice. I started to get emotional and I turned, so my back was facing him, and cried. I started off crying quietly, and then I couldn't control it, and I started to bawl. That heart wrenching cry that not even actors can portray.

He stood up and walked around the desk so he was standing behind me. Not within touching distance. He said something to the effect of, "It's going to be ok". I turned and looked at him. My eyes were bloodshot and watery. My makeup was all ruined and I looked raw. I said to him, "Why the hell am I even telling you this? You don't give a shit about me". He said, "I do. I care about you" to which I replied, "No you fucking don't. You don't care about me more than you care about anybody else. To you, I am just another cop on the street". I started walking for the door. He didn't follow me but he said "That's not true". I told him I was leaving. I knew I was scheduled to work that day, but I walked out.

I then woke up and I was crying. I felt the pain I felt in the dream and I was so confused. At first, I thought this actually had happened. The I realized Curt isn't my sergeant currently and I haven't heard one way or the other from the DA's office.I explained to my counselor the dream and told him I didn't know what it meant. Was it a premonition? Or was it just my anxiety? He explained it in a way I didn't even think of.

He said it has been theorized that each character within the dream represents a part of ourselves. So, I represented the hurt victim within the dream. The innocent, vulnerable part. And Curt represented the tough part of me. The part that is supposed to fend off the bad stuff and fight. The dream shows that I don't trust that the strong part of me will take care of things because it didn't when I was raped.

It sounds kind of weird, but it makes sense. My counselor believes this is my biggest problem. He said that it didn't necessarily start a few weeks ago with that incident, but it took place the first time I was raped, many many years ago. He also says that I don't have intimate connections with men because I don't trust myself. See, I thought it was because I honestly don't trust men. Which I guess is the outward appearance, but in reality, I don't trust that I can take care of myself if things go wrong. Which, makes sense. I've never thought of any of that before.

Now... How do I fix it? That's what I need to know.

Anger is Normal

Isn't it funny that people say anger is normal and healthy.. But growing up, when you get angry, you get disciplined? We're subconsciously taught that anger is wrong, even though it's not.

Anger is an acceptable emotion as long as you don't act out on it. That's the catch all.

I saw my counselor yesterday. I spoke with him about "running away". About "functioning" and not "living". My counselor said he disagreed with that statement. He said that by boxing up that traumatic event and storing it away in my brain and not thinking about it is actually healthy and normal. Research has shown that by forcing somebody to face a traumatizing experience that their mind is trying to store away is actually more damaging.

My problem is everything in my life that got disrupted by the experience. I have no interest in sex, with anybody. I may have a fantasy or two, but when thinking seriously of acting it out, I'm disinterested and frankly disgusted. I'm angry at myself and angry at the world. My anger has shifted a little bit off of me and more towards the world now. My counselor says that my anger is a good sign, especially since I'm angry at the world now... Which to me makes no sense, but he said that he notices when this type of anger comes along, it's a sign that I'm moving along in the healing process. Funny how he can see this so clinically and to me it's so personal and emotional. I feel like I'm the only one out there experience all this, which I know is silly. I know there are millions of girls that get raped and have to deal with it the way they deal with it, but I feel alone in my feelings and emotions. I know, it makes no sense.

Anyway.

I guess we'll just see where this rollercoaster goes from here.

Making a List, Checking it Twice

I got an e-mail today from my Oct-Dec sergeant, Curt** (for privacy issues, his name is spelled differently. Last thing I'd want is for him to stumble across this because his name popped up on a google alert...Same reason why my name isn't on here. These things get searched). And yes, this is the same sergeant I've spoke of previously. Anyway, in the e-mail, due to two of our officers going to specialty positions, evening shift is short and they need people to fill this position. He has asked one of us to move to evenings.

At first, I was like, YES!!!! I'll go!!! I'll e-mail him now and volunteer! Then I got to thinking... and realized, maybe going to evenings for that rotation wouldn't be such a great idea... So, I decided to make a Pros and Cons list for each.

Pros for evenings
-I don't have to deal with Curt and his drama
-Relatively normal schedule.. (work is 3pm to 11pm)
-More calls for service and more traffic enforcement.. So, I'll be busier
-Be able to work in daylight!

Cons for evenings
-I wouldn't get any holidays off and wouldn't get to see the family (This includes Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New years)
-Sgt. Smith frustrations (I love him, he's such a great guy. But when it comes to work, we conflict, a lot)
-Less personal time.. This is because I'm not a morning person, so I tend to wake up late and have only a couple hours before I have to go back to work.
-Tend to eat out more... Sad but true. Restaurants are open and the guys like to meet up and eat together.
-Hard to get a chance to work off duty jobs.

Pros for mids
-Though I wouldn't have holidays off, I would be able to still see my family on the holidays (since I work from 11pm to 7am)
-Would work with my favorite corporal :)
-I tend to have more personal time... I can sleep less on mids and still feel the same sometimes. It's weird.
-Easier to work morning/evening off duty jobs=more money.
-Tend to eat out less and cook more

Cons for mids
-No daylight, which can make for a crappy sleeping schedule at times... Sometimes it can be really hard to sleep and those days suck.
-A good friend of mine who's scheduled to be on my crew would most likely leave to go to evenings to fill the position.
-Curt drama, issues, frustrations, headaches.

Reviewing this list, I have more pros for continuing on the midnight shift. A huge factor is being able to see my family for the holidays, and still work. A huge con, which really influences me to move to evenings, is the Curt issue. The last time I was on his crew, about a year ago, he was corporal. And when we fought, or whatever, I still had a sergeant I could report to if I didn't feel comfortable going to Curt. Now that he's sergeant, I wouldn't have that luxury. And I know that even if I left to evenings, I may not have him as a sergeant now, but it would come eventually.

This is a hard decision. But, I love my family, I value my personal time and health. So, I think I'm going to continue on the midnight shift and endure Curt as best as I can. I hope my friend doesn't get moved off. I'm surprised they're asking someone from mids to fill eves, when mids is already so very short. I think they should just force someone from days to cover eves, since days is already stuffed with people. Oh well.

We'll see. It might turn out that I get forced to move, which in that case I'll just deal.