A Bottle Of Wine

Goes a long way.

Then again, maybe not so far with me.

I've drank just about all of my wine. I had bought White Zin, my favorite type of wine. Abor Mist, which is cheap but oh so good. I've drank just about the whole bottle. Not quite the full bottle but close. I've filled my cup up 4 times now. It's not a small cup.

Probably shouldn't admit to all that. But, hey, at least I'm not driving. That would be bad.

This feels so much better. I know I'm drunk. I feel the fuzzyness. The cloudiness. The fog that takes away mental pain. Even some physical pain. Or maybe it just makes you forget. Whatever it's doing, I like. It's bad, I know. Alcoholism and all that. But this feels so much better than being present. You know? Present with my thoughts and anger and humiliation and depression. Feels so much better.

Today was, what I would consider, a good day... The best day all week. I got up and dressed for court, only to find out court had been dismissed or something like that. So I changed, did my makeup (which I haven't done all week, and those that know me- I don't leave the house without it) and went to the station to pick up another report, for my court case tomorrow. That was the first time I had been to the station since all this has happened. God, I felt like I almost had a anxiety attack. I go there and I feel like everybody is watching me, judging me. Like I was naked standing in front of all of them, and they were all disgusted with me. I felt like they all knew what had happened to me and saw me how I see me. A weak, disgusting thing.

I know, I know. They don't know. At least most of them don't. What they think is why is this chick here at work when she's on sick leave? Isn't she supposed to be sick? What the hell? And I know some of them were thinking that because they confronted me on it. One officer did. I didn't feel like talking.

And it took so much energy. So. Much. And it was almost funny how much energy it took to not cry. To "act normal". Even though acting normal for me would be laughing and joking and being carefree, which I was nowhere near. Honestly, I don't fucking feel so fucking carefree anymore. I feel jaded and pissed and marked up with a black permanent marker.

Anyway.

I later went to the movies with my friend. Went to see Harry Potter. Which, by the way, is sad. Then I came home, made some ramen noodles and decided to pop open my bottle of wine. And drink most of it.

The fuzziness feels so good. I wish I could do this all the time but I know that would turn me into an alcoholic. I don't even want to go there. But now I understand why alcoholics are alcoholics. It's a great pain reliever. Mental pain reliever.