Outside Looking In

Being alone inside my head is probably the scariest place to be right now.

One moment, I feel completely fine. "Normal". Acting my usual self, which is joking, laughing, playin around. Just when I feel like I'm ok and I'm moving on, not five minutes later, I'm breaking down crying. I'm angry. Pissed. Furious. And I'm humiliated and embarassed. I feel dirty and violated, which makes me even more furious.

Friday night/Saturday morning, I was raped by my ex boyfriend. And honestly, I feel like it's my fault. Yeah, yeah, everybody tells me it wasn't my fault. But I feel like it is. I feel like if I had only fought more, been more stern, used my gun, which was in the other room, on him. Anything. But really, I did nothing except tell him no over and over again. I was stern in my no's. I told him I didn't want to. I was sick. I wasn't in the mood. But he didn't listen and he kept doing it. I told him what he was doing hurt and I didn't want to do it, but he ignored me and kept doing it. I told him how pissed I was at him, even threatened to taze him, but all he did was laugh and say my no's meant yes. He didn't listen to me and he took what he wanted. At one point he got angry because I didn't want him to "finish". His anger scared me. I've seen him angry before.

Why didn't I fight? I don't know. Really. He was drunk. He was all over the place. He's a wrestler and is a lot stronger than me. Yeah, I've had training. But fuck training. How do you pull a gun on somebody that you once cared for so strongly? So all I did was push his face away, push him away and continued to say no.

I wasn't even going to turn it in. My friend did it for me. What sucks about this whole situation is not only do I feel all of what I feel now, I have to share it with people I work with. Granted, the county came out and is taking the report, to avoid getting my agency involved with my coworkers and friends. But still. I still know people who work for the county. I still see these people at training functions or meetings. These people know me and I know them. It's still even more humiliating. And I'm sure they're looking at me wondering why didn't I fight? How can she be so weak? I'm so very fucking weak.

And even going through all this and feeling all this, I then feel like it's not really happening to me. It's so weird. I think I feel like that most when I'm with the other cops/deputies or the detectives talking about the case or working on the case. I automatically switch into cop mode and try and think from a cop's perspective and review the crime scene and not feel the emotions. But even whlie I try and do that, it's clouded, because I'm still the victim. God I hate that word. Victim. Never would I think I'd be a victim again. Ever. Yet here I am. A Fucking Victim.

I'm so angry. I'm infuriated. I'm humiliated. I feel VIOLATED. This shit shouldn't happen to me. Not with everything I've already gone through. Not with now being a cop. How can I go through all this again? How do I deal with this shit? I'm so pissed.

I took the week off work. I thought I could've went back tonight. I thought I was ok. Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I started crying. How can a person cry so much? And so randomly? One moment I'm fine, next I'm drowning in my own tears. When will I be ok to go back to work? I seriously plan on going back on my Monday, which is Sunday. I still have to go to court this week (I've been subpoened to two court cases). I want my life to go back to normal. I want to have a fucking normal life.