Empowerment

My life is taking another turn. And even though not all my previous turns have been documented on a blog, I wanted to create a new blog and have it be part of this new "turn".

I used to have a blog. A couple years ago, I would log on daily and update the blog. The blog I used to have wasn't really about me. And some of the things I posted were silly. This blog is purely serving as an online diary. It's my escape. My stress release.

I'm pretty much an open book. So whoever stumbles across this and reads this...This will be the disclaimer. Don't get offended by my own personal opinions. If you do, just walk away. Or in this case, just "click" away from the website.
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I feel empowered. It's like I've been held down for so long, and only until recently did I realize I've been holding myself down. It took dismissing someone who I really didn't want to dismiss to become empowered. I feel like I've set myself free and it feels great. Dismissing this person was probably the best thing that's happened to me.

About a year ago, this guy and I became... More or less involved. It started off with innocent teasing, joking, and flirtation. That started in my field training when he trained me (July 08). After field training and after my year probationary period (in November 08), it all changed. It became more sexual, more "dangerous". We engaged in activities that would get us both fired, and those activities did not include sex. They included, without being too specific, text messages, inappropriate conversations, phone calls during off duty hours (middle of the night)...And while this all was going on he became promoted. First from MPO (Master Police Officer) to Corporal. Then quickly from Corporal to Sergeant. Sergeant being top dog before becoming part of Admin (those who don't work the streets- Lieutenant, Captain, Major and Chief).

Then, naturally, things became weird. We both fully knew and understood what was going on between us, however, we wouldn't acknowledge it to each other. It was like this personal secret. So secretive, that neither he or I could discuss it. Even when I tried, he would dismiss me. It was obvious who was more dominant and more in control. He was.

And here I was. Just going along with it. Wanting my control back and unable to obtain it. Still wanting what we had and what we were doing. I was conflicted in the worst way and everytime I tried to gain my control back, he'd snatch it in one way or another. I'm about 14 years younger than him (he's 36, I'm 22) and obviously inexperienced compared to him. He has all these tricks and tactics to control me. And to make matters worse, whenever I attempted to gain control, I would feel trapped at work. His position, especially now as Sergeant, became an intimidation factor over me. Never once was he out right threatening, but the threat was always there unspoken.

Let me add that he is great at his job and I have no qualms with that. He's fair and very good at separating personal issues from work while in the middle of dealing with something. But... Then it's not separated. Our fights would take place primarily at work (usually in a parking lot when we're talking together- alone). And quickly, as people got wind of our fights and noticed how we interacted together, I started looking bad in all of this. I heard rumors that we were sleeping together (untrue). I was the one that looked bad. Here I am, the young, seductive, single woman seducing an older, married, high standing Sergeant and father. So I look bad.

I'm not innocent. But I'm not alone. It takes two to tango.

So, several months ago, I stopped all contact. I deleted his number. I stopped talking with him at work. I know he was confused. I even took note that he would contact me for unnecessary reasons. Eventually that calmed down and we just didn't talk. It was easy because the both of us were on different shifts (he was on Days, I was on Evenings).

Now I'm on Midnights and he's on Evening 10-hour shifts. In other words, his shift overlaps with mine for 2 hours. And the first day on that shift, he started teasing me and treating me, with what I consider, disrespect. He's played games with me on Facebook. When I confronted him about this he said he was doing it for my reaction. He was waiting for me to come to him and confront him about it. To me, it was a pathetic way to get me to talk to him again. And here I am, being made to look silly and ridiculous in front of coworkers. I had it.

So I confronted him. I had my last confrontation. Here's how it went.

I met with him in the park at around midnight on July 14th. Yes, what I said was basically scripted, but I had it scripted so I'd remember everything I wanted to say to him. And after having the help with a good friend of mine (who knows this guy, who's the same age as this guy, and doesn't particularly like him), I knew this would be it. This would end whatever "friendship" or "relationship" we had. But, I feel as though I'm in this domestic violence cycle. First, it's all good (the "Honeymoon phase"). Then comes the "Abuse Phase" when he treats me like crap. Then I get all amped up to leave the situation and he pulls me back in. It's a vicious cycle and This would help me break away. And it did. Here's the script-

Me- “Several months ago, you and I had a conversation. In that conversation we had discussed that we had previously been inappropriate. We also discussed how we mutually agreed that we should maintain a professional friendship.”

Him- “Ok”

Me- “Do you remember that?”

Him- *Shrug*

Me- “Ok. Well yesterday I felt as though you were teasing me and treating me to a point where I felt it was disrespectful and inappropriate and insulting-“

Him- “I did not tease you yesterday and I do not tease you-“

Me- I waved my hands at him to cut him off. “Whatever. I think it would be questionable and potentially problematic if I request to change shifts. Please do not put me in a situation where I feel as though we can’t work together.”

Him- *Glaring*

Me- “Ok?”

Him- “Alright.”

Me- “Alright. That’s all I want to say to you or discuss with you. I am going to work now.”

Him- “Fine.”

Me- *Drives off*

During this contact it appeared as though he kept glancing at my camera. He was probably checking to make sure we weren't recording. And I didn't, however, I did document the contact. He's very pissed and I could tell the moment I cut him off. He doesn't like being cut off. He doesn't like not being in control. The following day he avoided me like the plague. I was happy, because I was too nervous to see him. His position puts him over me and still in control of me. And he's not one you'd want to be on his shit list. And I'm afraid I just put myself there.

But, I feel empowered and set free. And I'm so glad. It feels great. :)