Finally Moved

This past week was brutal. My roommate and I were fighting like cats and dogs... Then, because she was angry with me (though she'll deny being angry), she wanted to charge me an extra $300 (first she said $500, then she lowered it). She used every excuse she could think of as to why I owed her that much, which I really didn't. I had agreed to pay to have the carpets cleaned, a mere $50, and to pay any overage in utilities (mainly that's for electric because of the summer months, which is about $50). I had already paid a full month's rent for July ($600, which includes rent, utilities and food). But it wasn't good enough.

My honest opinion about the whole situation is my roommate is short for money because of the wedding. I think she used me to get extra money. Maybe I'm just that untrustworthy and cynic of people, but that's how it felt.

I ended up paying it. Correction, my father ended up paying it. I hired an attorney and was going to fight her on it, but my father thought to handle it otherwise (behind my back). I actually hired an attorney because as I was staying with a friend, she decided to lock me out of the house and not give me my property. Which, in Kansas, is illegal. She had "hired" an attorney (a guy I dated, not even worthy of the title exboyfriend, go figure) and he advised her it was legal to keep my stuff. Well, it's not, and he would happily find any reason to piss me off.

Anyway, to make an already long story shorter, I got my stuff. We're supposedly on good terms, though I don't know if that was just for show since my family was around. We'll see. I cleaned my room and turned in the key today. So, if she speaks to me after this, that will be on her own accord. I was cordial these last couple days. Surpisingly.

My new apartment is great. I now live in the city I work for, which is a little weird. It's weird driving the streets that I drive in a patrol car, in my regular car. It's weird knowing that if something were to happen where police would be involved, it'd be my coworkers showing up. I don't know, it's just weird. An adjustment period I'm sure.

I love the apartment. I've already unpacked a majority of my things (and spend hundreds of dollars at Wal-Mart replacing lost items from my last move). I decided to do a green and blue color theme for my living room. Whenever I get the money, I plan on painting my living room walls green and have blue accents. The idea for my living room is something calm/relaxing. Actually, that's kind of the idea for my whole apartment. I spend so much of my time working and being stressed out that I want my home to be my haven.

My bedroom is going to be a blue and brown theme. I just purchased black out curtains. They cost me $60 so they better work! Luckily the black out curtains came in different colors, and I was able to find brown. I'm going to paint the walls blue and buy a new bed spread, which I found the perfect one at Wal-Mart for only $60.

My kitchen is going to be yellow and red. I already have red accents in the kitchen (a rug, dish organizer..).

The extra bedroom is currently holding my many boxes of books. I need to save up money to buy a new bookshelf so I can unpack it all. I have so many books now that it broke my last bookshelf. So, maybeI should buy 2...

I bought new shower curtains and rugs and matching towels for the guest bathroom. I tried to make it gender neutral in case I get a roommate... I still have yet to talk to Paul about his possible move in. If so, that bathroom would be his that I already decorated. My bathroom has the same theme as it did before. The girly theme with red accents. It's cute. :)

Anyway, so that's the update on my move. I'm happy to be in my own place and hopefully I'll begin to unwind. I've noticed I've been snippy and extremely tense these past couple weeks. My friend's have noticed too. But now that this is over with (and I have a massage appointment tomorrow...) I should be able to loosen up. I hope.

Insomnia or Anxiety?

I can't really say for sure... It could be a combination of both. I cannot sleep. It's about 11am. I should've been in bed at least by 9am. Being on the midnight shift really does mess with my sleep schedule.

That and I'm stressed out and anxious about just everything. After moving in with my current roommate, life has just become one big ball of stress. It was stressful before, definitely, but after moving here I never got comfortable. Hell, my things weren't even unpacked fully. My roommate, we'll call her Amy, and I had a very rough adjustment. We definitely do things differently. And sometimes (ok most times) she says things but really means something else. She says she doesn't, but previous cases and even the current one proves otherwise. It's gotten to the point where I'm just done arguing about it. She's too controlling and I know that if I even try to argue, she'll blow me off. So what's the point?

I feel like a man in a relationship. You know how the woman just goes crazy psycho on a guy because he didn't read her thoughts? That's exactly how I feel. This recent case- she sends me an e-mail about the last bills to pay. She talks about prorating the rent (since I'm moving out before the end of the month). Well, I already paid her rent for the month of July. So, if she wants to prorate it, I told her the amount I paid over. I suggested that she use the extra money towards any bills I might owe and if I still owe extra, then I'll pay. Well, she flips out about it. Told me that my "precise" amount ticked her off. What the hell? She basically told me in the e-mail that she expects me to pay over the amount because of all the things she's done for me (such as giving me VS bras she didn't want anymore, etc.). Well I'm sorry but when you do something nice for me, such as give me a present, I didn't realize that effected the amount of rent I pay. I guess I should start adding in the times I've treated her to dinner and a movie just for the hell of it and add that into rent. Please. Talk about shit I don't need.

So I'm not dealing with it. I told her I'd pay for rent and the utilities I owe. I told her I'd pay to have the carpets cleaned like you would in any apartment, and I'm out. That's all I owe and that's all I'm paying. Fuck being nice. I'm sick and tired of it.

I feel like I walk on egg shells with her all the time. And for people that know me, know that I don't do that. I speak my mind and if you don't like it, walk away. That's my motto and the way I live life. The only reason I dealt with this situation for so long was because I lived, basically, under her roof and she has such close connections to my job. The last time we got into a fight, she brought some of my coworkers into it and that pissed me off. She tells me she wants to leave work out of our personal life, but I guess that doesn't apply to me.

It's bullshit.

I'm extremely excited to be moving out of the house. I move in 6 days. Right now Amy is out of town and will return by the 26th. So I'll only have to deal with her for 3 days. Then I'm gone.

I'm venting here and I'm probably painting a really bad picture of her. She's not all that bad. I trust her with my secrets. She knows about Kurt (the Sgt) and I, and has guided me through those issues. But, still. She's taught me a lot, yes, but this amount of anxiety and stress I feel is over the top. Some nights I dread coming home- sometimes I don't. Even now, she's not even here, and I dread coming home. Nobody should feel like that. Home is supposed to be the sacred area you can go to escape.

I hope to God that all changes when I move. Remember when I said new beginnings? This is a huge new beginning.

That Didn't Take Long...

I didn't go to bed after work yesterday. Instead, I decided to look at both apartments and make a final decision based on today's experience. With only 10 days left until the big move, I have to make a decision where I'm moving to now.



I went to the apartment complex that's not in my city first. I was a little turned off because according to their machine and sign, they are supposed to be open at 0800 until 1700 Monday through Friday. So by 0845 on Friday morning, when I arrive at the apartment complex, I was extremely turned off to notice the leasing office was closed. I know I don't know the situation surrounding why it wasn't open, but it was a complete turn off that it was closed none the less.



So, all I was able to do was drive around the apartment complex. It's smaller, which is good. It means there shouldn't be too many issues surrounding the area so I wouldn't have a lot of work. But... The apartment complex is incredibly old. It's not as bad as some apartment complexes, like I've seen in ghetto KCMO, but still. Yeah, it's free... But that, combined with no washer and dryer hookups? And the fact the office wasn't open when it was supposed to be, indicating a lack of reliability? Hmm...



I went straight from there to the other complex within my city. I walked into the main office, which looked clean and decorated for summer. I immediately felt welcomed and I had a good feeling about the place. I adored the atomosphere and it truly wasn't what I expected at all. Maybe I was a bit tainted by going out there on calls often...

Anyway, I met with the leasing agent, Dorrie. She's a sweetheart. She showed me the apartment she would put me in if I decide to move in. The apartment is a spacious two bedroom. It's not one of the newer renovated models, and I'm glad. The difference between the newer model and the older model is the newer model has a couple updated appliances (fridge and stove) and it's been repainted (the newer model is also smaller). By taking the older model, they will allow me to paint the walls whatever I want. Did I mention they have a mini laundry room?

The discount for this complex is half off with electric as the only utility to pay. They also provide a free full size washer/dryer unit upon moving in. So, for a two bedroom apartment, I would be paying $390 a month plus whatever the electric bill is. I would imagine I'd pay $500 a month plus internet and cable (Dorrie said she'd get me a good discount because she has friends with Time Warner) and food. Not bad. Not bad at all.

So I made my decision. I decided to go ahead and move into the apartment complex within my city. It's convenient. Much nicer. And I hit it off with the leasing agent and management there. They're all sweethearts and I feel this would be a good thing. My apartment is right next to the leasing office (which is next to the pool) and I like it. I really like it.

I e-mailed Paul (he currently doesn't have a phone) and let him know I'm moving into the two bedroom. It's up to him if and when he wants to move in. I'm hoping he does, because I would charge him half of everything. Which would bring down my bills so much and I'd be able to pay off my debt, which is stressing me the hell out. We'll see.

I'm excited to move! A new beginning!

Choices

Last night, or should I say morning, I called the two different apartment complexes on my courtesy officer list... And now I have a choice to make....and it's a difficult one.

The first complex I called is not in the city I work in. They only have 1 bedroom apartments available and the courtesy officer position is extremely simple--so they tell me anyway. Get this, the rent... is free. And utilities? Free (except electric). That sounds just about perfect. Almost. The downfall? No washer/dryer hookups!!!!!! Can you believe this?! Where am I supposed to do my laundry? Now, they tell me they have laundry facilities on the property. But so what? I have a uniform I wash just about daily. I don't trust leaving my clothes unattended in a laundry facility for two hours, especially with my uniform in the mix. And I don't have the kind of time to sit in a laundry room for 2 hours while they're being washed and dried.

The second complex I called is in the city I work in. That has its downfalls... My coworkers will patrol the area, possibly keep an extra eye on my apartment building. Which is good...Until I start getting the questions. You know, the "where were you last night?" or "who was that parked outside of your place?". Basically, I will have a certain lack of privacy by living there. I'm not completely sure my coworkers would really keep that close of an eye on me, but, they are cops. And cops are suspicious, curious and nosey by nature (myself included). This specific apartment complex only has 2 bedroom apartments available. Which is great if I want a roommate. AND they have washer/dryer hookups. The discount is unknown though. Originally when they called, they said they would not give it to me for free but they didn't know the discount. I explained to them that because I'm a cop for their city, I do have more connections, and they're asking me to do more work than the other complex, so they should reconsider giving it to me for free. Not to mention, back when they had different management, it used to be free for officers. But, I don't know. They might only offer half off.

So what do I do? Half off is still good... But really only if I have a roommate to pay that other half. Paul is still deciding. Free rent and utilities is really really good. But the washer/dryer hookup thing is really bothering me. Last thing I want is for my uniform to get stolen while it's in the dryer.

Decisions, decisions.

Moving...again

I've moved from one living location to another 3 times within the past year and a half. And here I am about to move again- on July 29th.

I hate moving. I absolutely despise it. I hate packing and I hate the physical moving of the boxes/furniture. I hate unpacking and having all of my things unorganized and difficult to locate. I hate the stress of it all.

But, I don't really have a choice. My current roommate is getting married and I don't feel like living with a married couple. Not to mention, her fiance's twins are moving in and they need my room. It's all happening incredibly fast. I'll be honest... I'm not exactly thrilled with how fast it all needs to happen. I didn't get much notice...at all.

At the same time, it'll be nice to have my own place again. A new beginning, in a sense. While living here, as much good as it did me, it stressed me out really bad too. For a few reasons. One would include that this isn't my house. Yeah, I pay rent, but I feel as though I live at my parent's house. I can't have visitors here that my roommate doesn't know personally. I understand why (she has kids, is going through a custody battle, is a cop and doesn't trust people). But it sucks. A lot. She's a neat freak, which I've became accustomed to and I think she's rubbed off on me in a good way here. But, still. Too many rules for supposedly being on my own. Plus, we're both a cop in the same county (different cities) and that makes a difference too. As much as you want to say it all stays at home, it doesn't.

So I am happy that I'm getting my own place again. I'm not happy about the short amount of time I have to get out and moved. She gave me until August 9th, so her and her fiance have time to move his kids' stuff here before the wedding (August 18th). But, I have a NAWLEE conference (National Association of Women Law Enforcment Executives) that week and just prior to that I have off duty work and court. And to make expenses even worse, my tags are due for renewal.

I should be ok with expenses though. There are at least two apartment complexes that offer a courtesy officer position. This means that I can live there at some sort of discount if I act as the complex's security. Different complexes offer different discounts. It can range from 25% off to free rent. Guess which one I want? :) So, I'm currently in the process of finding the best discount. There is one complex that pays for all utilities except electric. I need to call to find out the courtesy officer discount there (I'm hoping for 50% or free). There's another complex that should offer free rent. Previously they had to the officers of that city (my city), but they changed management. So, I'm in the process of convincing them to allow that again. Pray for me!

Also, in addition, I might have a new roommate. If I do, my roommate will be Paul. Paul is an exboyfriend of mine and I've known him for close to 5 years now. Some people might consider this a bad move (being he was an ex) but I don't. Paul strictly is a friend and I can honestly say I have no intimate feelings for him anymore. It wouldn't bother me at all if he had another woman over at the house- unless it prohibits me from sleeping. :P Plus, might I add that male roommates are so much easier to deal with than females? Can I get an amen on that?

We'll see. I'll spend this morning calling the complexes and figuring out discounts. Here's hoping for the best!

Empowerment

My life is taking another turn. And even though not all my previous turns have been documented on a blog, I wanted to create a new blog and have it be part of this new "turn".

I used to have a blog. A couple years ago, I would log on daily and update the blog. The blog I used to have wasn't really about me. And some of the things I posted were silly. This blog is purely serving as an online diary. It's my escape. My stress release.

I'm pretty much an open book. So whoever stumbles across this and reads this...This will be the disclaimer. Don't get offended by my own personal opinions. If you do, just walk away. Or in this case, just "click" away from the website.
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I feel empowered. It's like I've been held down for so long, and only until recently did I realize I've been holding myself down. It took dismissing someone who I really didn't want to dismiss to become empowered. I feel like I've set myself free and it feels great. Dismissing this person was probably the best thing that's happened to me.

About a year ago, this guy and I became... More or less involved. It started off with innocent teasing, joking, and flirtation. That started in my field training when he trained me (July 08). After field training and after my year probationary period (in November 08), it all changed. It became more sexual, more "dangerous". We engaged in activities that would get us both fired, and those activities did not include sex. They included, without being too specific, text messages, inappropriate conversations, phone calls during off duty hours (middle of the night)...And while this all was going on he became promoted. First from MPO (Master Police Officer) to Corporal. Then quickly from Corporal to Sergeant. Sergeant being top dog before becoming part of Admin (those who don't work the streets- Lieutenant, Captain, Major and Chief).

Then, naturally, things became weird. We both fully knew and understood what was going on between us, however, we wouldn't acknowledge it to each other. It was like this personal secret. So secretive, that neither he or I could discuss it. Even when I tried, he would dismiss me. It was obvious who was more dominant and more in control. He was.

And here I was. Just going along with it. Wanting my control back and unable to obtain it. Still wanting what we had and what we were doing. I was conflicted in the worst way and everytime I tried to gain my control back, he'd snatch it in one way or another. I'm about 14 years younger than him (he's 36, I'm 22) and obviously inexperienced compared to him. He has all these tricks and tactics to control me. And to make matters worse, whenever I attempted to gain control, I would feel trapped at work. His position, especially now as Sergeant, became an intimidation factor over me. Never once was he out right threatening, but the threat was always there unspoken.

Let me add that he is great at his job and I have no qualms with that. He's fair and very good at separating personal issues from work while in the middle of dealing with something. But... Then it's not separated. Our fights would take place primarily at work (usually in a parking lot when we're talking together- alone). And quickly, as people got wind of our fights and noticed how we interacted together, I started looking bad in all of this. I heard rumors that we were sleeping together (untrue). I was the one that looked bad. Here I am, the young, seductive, single woman seducing an older, married, high standing Sergeant and father. So I look bad.

I'm not innocent. But I'm not alone. It takes two to tango.

So, several months ago, I stopped all contact. I deleted his number. I stopped talking with him at work. I know he was confused. I even took note that he would contact me for unnecessary reasons. Eventually that calmed down and we just didn't talk. It was easy because the both of us were on different shifts (he was on Days, I was on Evenings).

Now I'm on Midnights and he's on Evening 10-hour shifts. In other words, his shift overlaps with mine for 2 hours. And the first day on that shift, he started teasing me and treating me, with what I consider, disrespect. He's played games with me on Facebook. When I confronted him about this he said he was doing it for my reaction. He was waiting for me to come to him and confront him about it. To me, it was a pathetic way to get me to talk to him again. And here I am, being made to look silly and ridiculous in front of coworkers. I had it.

So I confronted him. I had my last confrontation. Here's how it went.

I met with him in the park at around midnight on July 14th. Yes, what I said was basically scripted, but I had it scripted so I'd remember everything I wanted to say to him. And after having the help with a good friend of mine (who knows this guy, who's the same age as this guy, and doesn't particularly like him), I knew this would be it. This would end whatever "friendship" or "relationship" we had. But, I feel as though I'm in this domestic violence cycle. First, it's all good (the "Honeymoon phase"). Then comes the "Abuse Phase" when he treats me like crap. Then I get all amped up to leave the situation and he pulls me back in. It's a vicious cycle and This would help me break away. And it did. Here's the script-

Me- “Several months ago, you and I had a conversation. In that conversation we had discussed that we had previously been inappropriate. We also discussed how we mutually agreed that we should maintain a professional friendship.”

Him- “Ok”

Me- “Do you remember that?”

Him- *Shrug*

Me- “Ok. Well yesterday I felt as though you were teasing me and treating me to a point where I felt it was disrespectful and inappropriate and insulting-“

Him- “I did not tease you yesterday and I do not tease you-“

Me- I waved my hands at him to cut him off. “Whatever. I think it would be questionable and potentially problematic if I request to change shifts. Please do not put me in a situation where I feel as though we can’t work together.”

Him- *Glaring*

Me- “Ok?”

Him- “Alright.”

Me- “Alright. That’s all I want to say to you or discuss with you. I am going to work now.”

Him- “Fine.”

Me- *Drives off*

During this contact it appeared as though he kept glancing at my camera. He was probably checking to make sure we weren't recording. And I didn't, however, I did document the contact. He's very pissed and I could tell the moment I cut him off. He doesn't like being cut off. He doesn't like not being in control. The following day he avoided me like the plague. I was happy, because I was too nervous to see him. His position puts him over me and still in control of me. And he's not one you'd want to be on his shit list. And I'm afraid I just put myself there.

But, I feel empowered and set free. And I'm so glad. It feels great. :)