Will It Always...

I don't write poetry, typically. But, I got home this morning from work and felt compelled. I've been dealing with a lot lately and have been meaning to vent on here. I didn't for many reasons. Mostly because I haven't been sleeping. My eyes have dark circles underneath them and they're puffy. The past two days I've been staying up for 24 hours at a time. Not exactly healthy, but that's what this midnight shift does to me. And I'll be stuck here until January.

Anyway. There's been a lot going on with me. Personally and professionally. Dealing with Curt lately has been... well... Frustrating. Very frustrating. Lately, he hasn't been talking to me. He's been out right ignoring me. Until today of course. I went about 2 weeks of him completely ignoring me, to him smiling and being, somewhat, flirty and talkative. When I asked if he had been mad at me he said no. He had that sly smile and look. That look means there's more to what he's saying, but he won't tell me. He probably was just playing games. Wanted me to ask him. I don't know. That sounds like something he'd do. He loves to play games with me, he's said so himself.

I wrote this poem because I thought it described my situation somewhat well.. It's about Curt. I'm infatuated with him. I wouldn't say crush, I wouldn't say love, and I wouldn't say obsession. It's infatuation. Even though I fully know it's ridiculous and a waste of time, it's like no matter what I do I fall back into it. I stay away from him and I'm okay, until I see him. Anyway, here's my poem... I don't promise it's good. I don't follow any of the "rules". I just write how I feel.

Will It Always...

Fresh moments away
Leave me temporarily bruised.
My mind refuses to let go.

It's clouded with images
Of blue green intensity,
Rock hard masculinity.
His reverberating bass
invoking sexual desire.

Long does my mind linger
Until the images become faint.
It struggles to hold on.

Time brings the breaking point.
The weight dissipitates.
Suddenly I see other beauties of this world
And no longer do I ache.

Confidence then conjures arrogance
and I'm impenetrable.
Then he emerges.

Time stops.
My breath stolen away.
The devil dressed as an angel.

He smiles flirtaciously
And gazes deep into me.
Somehow he is grasping
Something deep inside me.
Something I could not reach.

And I am his.

The path that led me away
Did not leave me astray.
But led me back to him.

Will I always
Travel this same road.
Can I ever escape?
Or
Will it always
End in his name?

Tired

I was just reading my last post, and it's kind of funny because I made it sound like I never work out. That's not what I meant. I used to work out daily. Running usually. But then I messed up my back pretty bad a few months ago and it put me on light duty for about a month. I had to go to physical therapy 3 times a week, see a specialist, and all sorts of things.

My back isn't really all that better. It's just functional. There's no "cure" to my back problems, so I have to deal. The therapist (who I had to stop seeing for financial reasons) advised that I don't work out that hard. They wanted me to come in and take things (very) slowly... Eh. I'm not a big fan of physical therapy. Honestly, I don't feel that it helped me. They had me doing stupid little exercises that was supposed to help me and it never did. I think that by telling me not to work out and to just come into therapy was their way of draining my pockets. They knew I wanted to get back to running and by telling me that I couldn't run until I did their little therapy thing was a way to get me to keep coming... I don't know. Maybe I am just that skeptic and untrusting. But I stopped going.

Then I started to work out again. And my running has suffered, big time. I can't run nearly as far or long anymore and frankly, that pisses me off. I used to be able to run 3 miles straight. I would be tired but I could do it non stop. Now, it's difficult to run one mile. Today I ran a little over a mile, but I had to walk. My back and legs start to hurt. Mainly my legs, then my back will face the consequences later. It's frustrating as hell and frankly, embarassing. Now...I can sprint. I love sprinting- which is good for work. It's the long distance stuff that's killing me.

Long distance running improves your ability to sprint. It also improves your endurance when in a fight (they say 1 minute of fighting is equivalent to running 1 mile). So, running is a big deal. And to be quite honest, I absolutely hate running. But it's good for me so I do it.

I talked to one of my coworkers today about rebuilding my endurance. He gave me some tips. I'm going to hit the gym as often as I can (I'm going to try to go every day) and get my running back to where it needs to be. And like I said in the last post, I'm on a "diet"... I hate calling it that because if I call it a "diet" I'll fail. So, I'm "eating healthy". Proteins, veggies and nutrician bars. Fruit occassionally, when I have a sugar craving.

I have a really busy week coming up... I worked last night- DUI Enforcement with a coworker. We arrested two DUI's and I got off at about 4am (started at 11pm). I work off duty (off duty is a term used for when I work a job outside, but related to, the PD... It's almost always security work for people or companies) at the bank today from 0845 til 1pm. Then I'm going to come home, sleep and wake up to do more off duty from 11pm to 7am.

Then I work Sunday. Have off duty Monday morning... Work Monday night. Supposed to go to my brother's restaurant that he's opening up in KCK on Tuesday evening. Work Tuesday night. Have a meeting Wednesday morning. Work Wednesday night. Have a counselor appointment Thursday morning. Work Thursday night. Have court that I'm testifying at Friday morning and I'll be off on my weekend (Friday night/Saturday night).

And I'm hoping to get my work outs in there somewhere...

Talk about one hell of a week huh? I did it on purpose. I need the money!

Taking Care of Myself

Well today I got a phone call from my major. Now that I've had 3 counselor visits, the department is going to stop paying for my counseling... I've already explained to my counselor that I can't afford it on my own and my insurance isn't going to help (he's out of network). He passed the message along to go ahead and come visit him on our scheduled visit next week and we'll work something out. He's already told me that if I need to come back to visit him after I find out what the DA's office decides (which could be as soon as next week or in 6 months), that I can come back and visit him for free.

He also recommended a financial counselor that I can go see. He said that it'd also be for free because he's good friends with this counselor and can work it out.

I don't want to take advantage of anybody's good deeds. So, I'm really going to work on myself and make their good deeds worth it. Whatever books or actions he recommends, I'll do it. And maybe as soon as I get my other debt paid off, I can go back... That might be awhile but...

Also, I'm working on my physical health as well as my mental health. They all coincide, right? Lately, I've been cooking all my food (and I don't cook bad food). I try not to eat bad food (every once in awhile I slip, but that's better than every day). I've also been working out. It feels good to take care of myself. I want to feel good in all aspects of my life.

Last night I baked a red velvet cake. I had a peice of that (probably shouldn't have..). Then texted my coworker and told him to come over to pick up the cake and take it back to the station. I can almost guarantee that when I go into work tonight that the cake will be gone. I like to bake, but obviously cake is very counter productive in the whole "eating healthy" thing. So, I still baked and gave it away. It felt good.

Right now I'm cooking fresh asparagus. I'm also going to try and get away from canned food as much as possible. I still have a ton of canned green beans, so I'll eat all that, then start buying fresh ones. I've been taking my One-A-Day vitamin daily. It's weird... I have the One-A-Day multivitamin for women (active metabolism). But every time I take it, within an hour or so, I'm feeling kind of sick... Maybe this is too much info- but within the hour or so, I'll have to go to the bathroom really bad (number 2, not 1). And then it's like I lose my appetite for awhile . I'm wondering if this is because when I take the vitamin, I'm not eating with it (I usually take it right when I wake up). I don't know... It's kinda weird.

Anyway, the working out part kinda sucks. I guess I'm just lazy, but, I want to be healthier, and I want to be able to run faster and longer. That's my goal. Can't exactly reach that goal if you don't work out. So, I work out at the apartment complex's gym. I might've written about that in here before, but the gym really doesn't have much. Just a treadmil, stairmaster, bike and a few free weights. I used the treadmil and stairmaster and free weights yesterday. After I work DUI Enforcement tonight, I'll probably work out in there a bit. Same thing- treadmil, stairmaster and free weights. I don't really like the bike..

I could use the department's gym.. And maybe I will once I feel more comfortable. I just don't want to use the gym when all the super buff, crazy work out guys use the gym. I don't want to be watched. I just want to work on me and not worry about what others think of me while I do it. So, there ya go. I'm workin on me and it feels good. :)

I Didn't Realize

I didn't realize I had it in me. In matter of fact, until last night, I was convinced it was gone from me permanately.

Last night, Travis came over. Now, to sum up a very long story... Travis is 25, works for a local police department that borders the city I work for. He and I met at the academy over a year ago (2 years in January)... He wasn't actually part of my academy class... He used to work for KCMO PD but left that department (politics, very high crime daily, etc.) and came over to the Kansas side. Since he went to Kansas City's academy, he only had to take the law portion of my academy class. Anyway, we hit it off from the second we met.

This is why I like him. He's down to earth. He's "black" but actually is white.. It's hard to explain. He grew up in WyCo (Kansas City Kansas) in a hard neighborhood. So he has that "hood" in him that is a part of me. And just like me, instead of living a life of crime (the way our childhood designed), we live the opposite "good" life. But we never lost our personality.

So, that is why we hit it off. When we met, he was married. His marriage was on the verge of ending, but hadn't ended yet and we had a few indescretions.. Never once did we have sex, but he cheated. I felt bad. We both felt bad and he and I stopped talking. For months. Recently he contacted me again. He's divorced and happily on the prowl. Me? Well, if you've read the previous posts, my life has turned upside down recently. It's hard to say what I want. But nothing casual.

Anyway, I am his only friend that's a girl. All the other girls, he's just tryin to have sex with. He's told me that I am the "coolest" girl he knows and can tell me pretty much anything. He also made it very clear that he wants to have sex with me too, but it's different with me. He wants to keep our friendship. I know better though. I know sex would ruin our friendship so I've told him- no sex. Now, I actually really do want to have sex with him. Really bad. But, until last night, I had thought I actually didn't based on current events.

So he came over last night. I hadn't seen him in months. Our contact has strictly been over the phone by text or calls, almost daily for a few months now. He came over and he looks different. Better... Ever since his divorce, he's been out at the gym, daily. Pumping iron. And it is very obvious. His body... Wow.

We watched a movie. We cuddled. He rubbed my back and just ran his hand along my arm or my waist, stuff that was gentle and subtle but there. I liked it, a lot. I didn't think I would, but I did. Then after the movie, I snatched his phone and we wrestled. Not exactly your cute guy/girl wrestle. Oh no. We're both cops. We both went at it. We wrestled and fought and it was fun. There were moments when he'd pin me and would graze his lips across my neck. Or my side. Cute stuff. At one point, he pinned me against the couch and I leaned in. Our lips touched, I opened my mouth, he opened his and there was a very, very small kiss. Then I pulled away and said we couldn't...

Then things got heated again and he had to pull away. Before he even came over, I told him we weren't going to have sex. He said he respected my decision not to have sex, and because I'm his friend, he wouldn't allow us to. Even after I pretty much had succumb to seduction and changed my mind. He knew I would've regretted it so he wouldn't let it go that far.

After that, we just started talking about anything and everything. The heat was gone and he stayed an additional hour just talking and telling me things. He told me stories of things that happened to him at his old PD and it was nice. Then he left.

What I didn't realize I had in me was... I don't know. For one, I didn't realize I'd actually want to have sex with him. I mean, I did before.. you know. But lately the idea of sex has been disgusting. I don't know what it is about him, but he's always been different. Even before. It's almost like we made that connection that I've never had with any man. He's my best guy-friend, and we have a sexual attraction.

He's on the rebound. He's hurt from the divorce- whether he'll admit it or not- and he won't. I know he needs his time and I know we can't have sex or anything of that nature. I just learned something about myself last night... Well, one- I need to have better self control. Lol. And two-I'm not completely damaged, which is good to know. Now, to let him know things aren't weird, I won't call him for a week, or until he calls me. That sounds childish and silly, but that's how he works. At least right now that's how he works. He doesn't want someone clingy, he doesn't want any of that, and I don't want him to think that's what I want either. Plus, maybe I should break off from him for a little bit. I think maybe I'm starting to feel things I really can't feel for him right now.

But man... He is hot.

I Had a Dream

No, not an inspiring, life changing dream. It was more so a nightmare, but it revealed a lot.

I had a dream that I walked up to doorway of the sergeant's office where Curt was seated, on the computer behind the desk. All I said to him was, "They're not going to prosecute". He turned in his chair and looked at me. It was that look he always gives. The "blank cop stare", which is hard to read most times, but then sometimes it's not. I knew he knew exactly what I was talking about. I walked in all the way and shut the door.

I knew he was my sergeant at the time, which indicates this would've been sometime between October and December (so in the future). What I was talking about was the district attorney's office was not going to file charges against my rapist.

I looked at Curt, pissed beyond belief. I started to vent and say how pissed off I was. How hurt I was. How I went through so much stress and so much pain and it was all for nothing. Then I told him how he didn't realize how bad a rape kit hurts to get done, and how I had to have it done not once but twice. I started to get emotional and I turned, so my back was facing him, and cried. I started off crying quietly, and then I couldn't control it, and I started to bawl. That heart wrenching cry that not even actors can portray.

He stood up and walked around the desk so he was standing behind me. Not within touching distance. He said something to the effect of, "It's going to be ok". I turned and looked at him. My eyes were bloodshot and watery. My makeup was all ruined and I looked raw. I said to him, "Why the hell am I even telling you this? You don't give a shit about me". He said, "I do. I care about you" to which I replied, "No you fucking don't. You don't care about me more than you care about anybody else. To you, I am just another cop on the street". I started walking for the door. He didn't follow me but he said "That's not true". I told him I was leaving. I knew I was scheduled to work that day, but I walked out.

I then woke up and I was crying. I felt the pain I felt in the dream and I was so confused. At first, I thought this actually had happened. The I realized Curt isn't my sergeant currently and I haven't heard one way or the other from the DA's office.I explained to my counselor the dream and told him I didn't know what it meant. Was it a premonition? Or was it just my anxiety? He explained it in a way I didn't even think of.

He said it has been theorized that each character within the dream represents a part of ourselves. So, I represented the hurt victim within the dream. The innocent, vulnerable part. And Curt represented the tough part of me. The part that is supposed to fend off the bad stuff and fight. The dream shows that I don't trust that the strong part of me will take care of things because it didn't when I was raped.

It sounds kind of weird, but it makes sense. My counselor believes this is my biggest problem. He said that it didn't necessarily start a few weeks ago with that incident, but it took place the first time I was raped, many many years ago. He also says that I don't have intimate connections with men because I don't trust myself. See, I thought it was because I honestly don't trust men. Which I guess is the outward appearance, but in reality, I don't trust that I can take care of myself if things go wrong. Which, makes sense. I've never thought of any of that before.

Now... How do I fix it? That's what I need to know.

Anger is Normal

Isn't it funny that people say anger is normal and healthy.. But growing up, when you get angry, you get disciplined? We're subconsciously taught that anger is wrong, even though it's not.

Anger is an acceptable emotion as long as you don't act out on it. That's the catch all.

I saw my counselor yesterday. I spoke with him about "running away". About "functioning" and not "living". My counselor said he disagreed with that statement. He said that by boxing up that traumatic event and storing it away in my brain and not thinking about it is actually healthy and normal. Research has shown that by forcing somebody to face a traumatizing experience that their mind is trying to store away is actually more damaging.

My problem is everything in my life that got disrupted by the experience. I have no interest in sex, with anybody. I may have a fantasy or two, but when thinking seriously of acting it out, I'm disinterested and frankly disgusted. I'm angry at myself and angry at the world. My anger has shifted a little bit off of me and more towards the world now. My counselor says that my anger is a good sign, especially since I'm angry at the world now... Which to me makes no sense, but he said that he notices when this type of anger comes along, it's a sign that I'm moving along in the healing process. Funny how he can see this so clinically and to me it's so personal and emotional. I feel like I'm the only one out there experience all this, which I know is silly. I know there are millions of girls that get raped and have to deal with it the way they deal with it, but I feel alone in my feelings and emotions. I know, it makes no sense.

Anyway.

I guess we'll just see where this rollercoaster goes from here.

Making a List, Checking it Twice

I got an e-mail today from my Oct-Dec sergeant, Curt** (for privacy issues, his name is spelled differently. Last thing I'd want is for him to stumble across this because his name popped up on a google alert...Same reason why my name isn't on here. These things get searched). And yes, this is the same sergeant I've spoke of previously. Anyway, in the e-mail, due to two of our officers going to specialty positions, evening shift is short and they need people to fill this position. He has asked one of us to move to evenings.

At first, I was like, YES!!!! I'll go!!! I'll e-mail him now and volunteer! Then I got to thinking... and realized, maybe going to evenings for that rotation wouldn't be such a great idea... So, I decided to make a Pros and Cons list for each.

Pros for evenings
-I don't have to deal with Curt and his drama
-Relatively normal schedule.. (work is 3pm to 11pm)
-More calls for service and more traffic enforcement.. So, I'll be busier
-Be able to work in daylight!

Cons for evenings
-I wouldn't get any holidays off and wouldn't get to see the family (This includes Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New years)
-Sgt. Smith frustrations (I love him, he's such a great guy. But when it comes to work, we conflict, a lot)
-Less personal time.. This is because I'm not a morning person, so I tend to wake up late and have only a couple hours before I have to go back to work.
-Tend to eat out more... Sad but true. Restaurants are open and the guys like to meet up and eat together.
-Hard to get a chance to work off duty jobs.

Pros for mids
-Though I wouldn't have holidays off, I would be able to still see my family on the holidays (since I work from 11pm to 7am)
-Would work with my favorite corporal :)
-I tend to have more personal time... I can sleep less on mids and still feel the same sometimes. It's weird.
-Easier to work morning/evening off duty jobs=more money.
-Tend to eat out less and cook more

Cons for mids
-No daylight, which can make for a crappy sleeping schedule at times... Sometimes it can be really hard to sleep and those days suck.
-A good friend of mine who's scheduled to be on my crew would most likely leave to go to evenings to fill the position.
-Curt drama, issues, frustrations, headaches.

Reviewing this list, I have more pros for continuing on the midnight shift. A huge factor is being able to see my family for the holidays, and still work. A huge con, which really influences me to move to evenings, is the Curt issue. The last time I was on his crew, about a year ago, he was corporal. And when we fought, or whatever, I still had a sergeant I could report to if I didn't feel comfortable going to Curt. Now that he's sergeant, I wouldn't have that luxury. And I know that even if I left to evenings, I may not have him as a sergeant now, but it would come eventually.

This is a hard decision. But, I love my family, I value my personal time and health. So, I think I'm going to continue on the midnight shift and endure Curt as best as I can. I hope my friend doesn't get moved off. I'm surprised they're asking someone from mids to fill eves, when mids is already so very short. I think they should just force someone from days to cover eves, since days is already stuffed with people. Oh well.

We'll see. It might turn out that I get forced to move, which in that case I'll just deal.

Future

After re-reading my last entry, I felt as though it sounded whiney. We deal with the cards we are dealt with. That has been my mentality for as long as I can remember. I know my life hasn't been great. It could be worse. And the only thing I can do now is better it. I know this.

Even if it's hard. I'll do it. I don't have any other choice now do I?

I plan to go back to school in the spring. I'll transfer out of the community college I had been going to, and attend a local university. I feel like I'm not really working towards much of anything going to the community college. I want a bachelor's degree. You can't get a bachelor's degree at a community college. Granted, you can get your 2 year degree and those credits will transfer. And the college I went to is a highly respected community college (rumored to be turning into a university some day). But, I think by attending a university, I'll feel more structured and more as though I'm on the direct path towards my ultimate scholarly goal.

I don't know what I want to major in. Can you believe that after all these years, I'm still undecided? I know what I enjoy. I enjoy my job. I enjoy studying the mind, how people think, different personality types, etc. So, psychology. But psychology is such a popularized and broad major and you can't do much with only a bachelor's in psychology. Which should motivate me to move forward with graduate school but it's already going to take so long to get my bachelor's degree. One step at a time. If all else fails, I can always just go to school for the rest of my life. I like school.

So, that's the plan. I'll apply for a student loan and use whatever's left over towards the debt I'm in now. I guess that doesn't make much sense... Create more debt to pay off debt. But, what else am I going to do? I won't qualify for a grant and I need money to go to school. I can't wait to be back.

Tonight's my day off but I'm going in to work DUI Enforcement. The last two nights I've arrested a DUI (while just on regular patrol), so here's hoping that I can get one during the actual enforcement of it.

Extreme Makeover

There are a lot of aspects in my life that's really messed up. Here, I'll make a quick list...

Faith- My relationship with God over the past few years has suffered immensley. When I moved in with my roommate, I went to church with her. Then things got stressful, we started getting in fights, and I stopped going. She exposed me in a really terrible way (and she had no right..) to the people of her church, and I was too humiliated to go back. She basically exposed my past (key word being- past) sexual deviance. So, I stopped going. I could never find a new church to go to... I hate going to church alone and every other church I'd been to in the past just didn't fit. So, it was a slippery slope after that. Stopped going to church. Stopped praying. Stopped my bible study...

Family- My family and I have always had problems. Every family has problems, we all know that. But mine's pretty much disfunctional. Growing up sucked (no need to reminisce), but now... My sister and I fight almost every time we see each other (though we did a good job of not fighting the other day). My mom says I'm the only one who's fucked up in the head (and I'm also one of the most successful, funny that). My brother ignores us. He loves us, I know that. But as for a real relationship, I don't think he's interested. My dad has probably been the most active recently. But because of his absence in the past, it's hard to mend it. And even now, he's not there emotionally. Just there when the car breaks down.

Finance- This is the most shitty. I am struggling, bad. I have about a thousand dollars (or more) in hospital/doctor bills. I owe $2,000 in my credit line with the bank. And other small, but over due, bills. Even my car payment has gotten behind. I can barely afford the monthly rent, car payment, electric, cable bills. Funny thing is, I don't get how I even got here. How the hell I'm struggling so bad when I get paid so much? Cops don't make a lot, but I make enough. Especially when rent is half off. I don't fucking get it and this stresses me out the most.

Past- There are a lot of things that has happened in my past that effect me today. Past family issues (absent father, absent mother, abusive step-mother). Past abuse issues (rape, molestation, physical/mental abuse from family). All of these things are unresolved.

Work- Work is constantly stressful. It always will be. It's just something to get used to. In my line a work, a lot of hard decisions are made almost daily. And, at least for me, I am constantly trying to make that right decision based on the law, training, my personal experience and the experience passed along to me from senior officers. I'm responsible for every decision made with my name attached to it, and I get that. I'm a do-gooder. Not crooked. And along with work is the personal work issues. Being a female. Trying to find my niche. Trying to fit in, which I don't think I ever really will. I think I fit in by not really fitting in... Also, working alongside a station full of men- you get testosterone. And everything attached with it. Use your imagination. And right now, I am the only female on my crew.

Personal- This is the second most screwed up category (first is Faith, third is Finances). This category correlates with my past and with the current events (rape by the ex). It all blends in and creates a personal relationship issue. I can't connect with men. It's always been that way. And recently, within the past couple weeks, I have no desire to be with a man intimately. I'd like to go on dates. Have a good time... Which, I don't think I've ever really done. But as for sex? Nope. Sorry, not interested. Sometimes the idea of sex sounds good, but then if I really think about seriously having sex with someone, I'm out. Even if I could play out my darkest fantasy right now, I wouldn't. I can't. Sex disgusts me.

School- I stopped going. The financial aspect hurt me so bad that I just stopped going. I regret that decision now. I love school. And I think I'm going to go back this spring. Maybe even get a loan and pay off a lot of my bills. I wouldn't really be paying it off, but at least it will be temporarily so I can breathe.

Reading this is kind of depressing. But I really am trying to fix it. The financial part is going to be really hard... But maybe if I get a student loan, I can take care of some of that. Then pay back the student loan when I graduate. *Sigh*

As for how I'm feeling... I'm numbed out. So, I'm good. I don't know if that's really all that healthy. That quote, "Do you want to function, or do you want to live?" keeps playing over and over in my head like a bad record. But for now, I'll take numbness and forgetfulnes to the pain.

Back On Track?

I don't know if my life was ever on track. But, from what I've experienced these past couple weeks, my life was a lot more on track before then it is now...

Did that make any sense? Ah, I don't know.

I'm back to work now. The first day was extremely tough. I was still within my own head, which made me feel, well, depressed. I didn't smile, I couldn't laugh at the stupid cop guy jokes. I didn't feel like being there. But I knew I had to be there because I think if I didn't go back, I'd never go back. I'm glad I did.. Even if the first day back sucked.

I drew attention to myself... I didn't mean to. It was my lack of enthusiasm that drew the attention. I laugh, I joke, I'm friendly, that's me. And I guess when the guys saw that I didn't do any of that, it drew attention. Funny, because my outgoing personality draws attention too. Will I ever just not draw attention?

One of the guys approached me and asked if I needed to talk. He said he didn't know what was going on but could tell I was hurting.. He said I didn't crack one smile in roll call, even when the guy's were making jokes. I didn't notice. I just wanted to be out of that crowd and in my car, alone, where I can just work. I told him I was fine, and moved along.

I had 11 contacts that day... I hardly get that many contacts during evening shift when there are more people out. I tried to stay busy, and frankly, I did a good job with that in the beginning of the shift, but as the night went on it got tough. I started drifting back into my own head again and right now, that's dangerous.

Anyway, I lived. I went back the second day, and that was easier. I smiled. I think I even laughed. I did, however, spend a lot of time talking and probably not as much time working... I feel guilty about that, but I guess I just needed to talk. So much is going on and I just wish it would all go away. There's always something happening to me and it's driving me insane. Do I bring it on myself? Maybe sometimes I do. I need to learn how not to do that. I'm desperate.

Yesterday, I felt almost completely normal. I laughed a lot and it felt good. I think part of the reason why I'm becoming more myself is I'm not thinking about what happened to me anymore. In matter of fact, I'm spending a great deal of time avoiding thinking about it. It's too painful. Too embarassing. Too humiliating. Too disgusting. It's easier not to think about it because the investigation has pretty much come to an end, and right now it's time to hurry up and wait for the DA's office to make a decision whether or not to file charges. I don't know what I'm going to do when that decision comes through. I don't even know what decision will please me most. I don't want to think about it.

Am I running away from my problems? Is going numb and not thinking about that pain bad? Am I handling this right? I prefer the numbness. I prefer running. I can function this way. I remember talking to this guy from work, the sergeant actually, about my past. I've been raped in the past and I guess I never dealt with it. It hurt too much. He told me that. He told me I had ran away from my problems and never truly dealt with them face to face. I told him that I am able to function that way. He said, "Would you rather function, or would you rather live?"And he doesn't know this, at least I don't think he does, but that made me cry. That one line brought on so many emotions that I had a breakdown. Lol, it's kind of funny actually. He put me back into therapy that day.

I never continued with therapy. The bill was way too high.

Since the department is so gracious in paying for therapy, I'm going. Maybe I'll even solve some things. Face the past. I don't know. I want to be happy. And right now, I'm just faking it. I'm a good faker.

Taking Steps

It's weird. I was hurt in a similar way as I was last weak years ago. As a kid. I never fully recovered from that trauma. I didn't have the guidance really. And just as I start to take on responsibility for my hurt, and start taking the appropriate steps to heal from it, this happens. God.

I don't know. I'm trying so hard not to let this tear me apart. I've been trying to surround myself with people. By surrounding myself with people I don't have time to think about what happened. I don't have time to think about how angry I am at myself, or any of that. But, just as soon as I go home and I'm alone, the feelings flood over me and I get really depressed.

Last night I got myself drunk. Just so I could stop thinking and stop feeling. It worked. But... I know it's wrong. So, I'm going to try really hard not to do that again. A long time ago I promised myself I'd never get drunk by myself. The only times I would get drunk is with friends in a social setting. Because as soon as you start getting drunk alone, that's when you become an alcoholic...Look at that, I already broke one of my own rules.

Right now my little sister is over here. I haven't seen her in awhile, so, I thought it'd be nice to have her over for the night. She hasn't seen my new apartment, nothing. So, I picked her up (yes, all the way from Lawrence, which is about an hour drive :P) and brought her here. I made dinner (some really good teriyaki chicken with red beans and rice and green beans). Then I made dessert (made some brownies with vanilla bean ice cream). She said the food was amazing, which makes me feel good. I never used to cook but have always wanted to. So I've been slowly but surely cooking simple recipes and learning other people's recipes. I guess, so far so good :). I've been refusing to eat out as much. Plus, being on the midnight shift, nothing is really open but McDonalds. For the record, I hate McDonalds.

So, today has been good... I don't feel 100%. I don't really know when I'll start to feel close to 100%. I'm going back to work on Sunday and I'm terrified to. The therapist I'm going to (which the department is paying for... which I think is incredibly generous) said that by going back to work it'll help me. Getting back on my regular routine will help me heal. I hope so. I hope I heal. I hate this pain. I hate feeling all these terrible things about myself and feeling like.. I don't know. It just all sucks. It ALL sucks.

I used to care for him, you know. Paul. When we were together, I think I loved him. I definitely cared for him. And even after we broke up, we remained friends. More like aquaintances, but I was comfortable with him. I don't have feelings like that for him anymore. Those feelings were long gone. But, a friendship, that still remained. He knew about my past. He knew about the abuse I suffered a long time ago. So, what he did to me... I feel so fucking betrayed. I feel so fucking hurt. How COULD he? I'm so angry. And at the same time, I STILL blame myself. I really, honestly think it's my fault.

Our friendship is over, obviously. The detective specifically told him that. At first I was so pissed at him that I didn't care. I really don't care. But what I really want is to just go off on him. Scream at him. Tell him how much he hurt me and how he's set me back on getting better. I'm angry that he didn't tell the detective the truth. That he knew I didn't want to. That's the "victim" in me. I guess. What the fuck ever. I know he didn't tell her the truth because he'd incriminate himself and make himself look bad. But still. It pisses me off beyond belief. It pisses me off so much.

I want to get over this anger. But I can't. It's a monster inside me that's clawing to get out, so it, or I, can attack everything and destroy everything in my path. It's so fucked up. I'm so fucked up now. I want to be better but I'm not. I want to be ok, but I really am not. Fuck.

A Bottle Of Wine

Goes a long way.

Then again, maybe not so far with me.

I've drank just about all of my wine. I had bought White Zin, my favorite type of wine. Abor Mist, which is cheap but oh so good. I've drank just about the whole bottle. Not quite the full bottle but close. I've filled my cup up 4 times now. It's not a small cup.

Probably shouldn't admit to all that. But, hey, at least I'm not driving. That would be bad.

This feels so much better. I know I'm drunk. I feel the fuzzyness. The cloudiness. The fog that takes away mental pain. Even some physical pain. Or maybe it just makes you forget. Whatever it's doing, I like. It's bad, I know. Alcoholism and all that. But this feels so much better than being present. You know? Present with my thoughts and anger and humiliation and depression. Feels so much better.

Today was, what I would consider, a good day... The best day all week. I got up and dressed for court, only to find out court had been dismissed or something like that. So I changed, did my makeup (which I haven't done all week, and those that know me- I don't leave the house without it) and went to the station to pick up another report, for my court case tomorrow. That was the first time I had been to the station since all this has happened. God, I felt like I almost had a anxiety attack. I go there and I feel like everybody is watching me, judging me. Like I was naked standing in front of all of them, and they were all disgusted with me. I felt like they all knew what had happened to me and saw me how I see me. A weak, disgusting thing.

I know, I know. They don't know. At least most of them don't. What they think is why is this chick here at work when she's on sick leave? Isn't she supposed to be sick? What the hell? And I know some of them were thinking that because they confronted me on it. One officer did. I didn't feel like talking.

And it took so much energy. So. Much. And it was almost funny how much energy it took to not cry. To "act normal". Even though acting normal for me would be laughing and joking and being carefree, which I was nowhere near. Honestly, I don't fucking feel so fucking carefree anymore. I feel jaded and pissed and marked up with a black permanent marker.

Anyway.

I later went to the movies with my friend. Went to see Harry Potter. Which, by the way, is sad. Then I came home, made some ramen noodles and decided to pop open my bottle of wine. And drink most of it.

The fuzziness feels so good. I wish I could do this all the time but I know that would turn me into an alcoholic. I don't even want to go there. But now I understand why alcoholics are alcoholics. It's a great pain reliever. Mental pain reliever.

Outside Looking In

Being alone inside my head is probably the scariest place to be right now.

One moment, I feel completely fine. "Normal". Acting my usual self, which is joking, laughing, playin around. Just when I feel like I'm ok and I'm moving on, not five minutes later, I'm breaking down crying. I'm angry. Pissed. Furious. And I'm humiliated and embarassed. I feel dirty and violated, which makes me even more furious.

Friday night/Saturday morning, I was raped by my ex boyfriend. And honestly, I feel like it's my fault. Yeah, yeah, everybody tells me it wasn't my fault. But I feel like it is. I feel like if I had only fought more, been more stern, used my gun, which was in the other room, on him. Anything. But really, I did nothing except tell him no over and over again. I was stern in my no's. I told him I didn't want to. I was sick. I wasn't in the mood. But he didn't listen and he kept doing it. I told him what he was doing hurt and I didn't want to do it, but he ignored me and kept doing it. I told him how pissed I was at him, even threatened to taze him, but all he did was laugh and say my no's meant yes. He didn't listen to me and he took what he wanted. At one point he got angry because I didn't want him to "finish". His anger scared me. I've seen him angry before.

Why didn't I fight? I don't know. Really. He was drunk. He was all over the place. He's a wrestler and is a lot stronger than me. Yeah, I've had training. But fuck training. How do you pull a gun on somebody that you once cared for so strongly? So all I did was push his face away, push him away and continued to say no.

I wasn't even going to turn it in. My friend did it for me. What sucks about this whole situation is not only do I feel all of what I feel now, I have to share it with people I work with. Granted, the county came out and is taking the report, to avoid getting my agency involved with my coworkers and friends. But still. I still know people who work for the county. I still see these people at training functions or meetings. These people know me and I know them. It's still even more humiliating. And I'm sure they're looking at me wondering why didn't I fight? How can she be so weak? I'm so very fucking weak.

And even going through all this and feeling all this, I then feel like it's not really happening to me. It's so weird. I think I feel like that most when I'm with the other cops/deputies or the detectives talking about the case or working on the case. I automatically switch into cop mode and try and think from a cop's perspective and review the crime scene and not feel the emotions. But even whlie I try and do that, it's clouded, because I'm still the victim. God I hate that word. Victim. Never would I think I'd be a victim again. Ever. Yet here I am. A Fucking Victim.

I'm so angry. I'm infuriated. I'm humiliated. I feel VIOLATED. This shit shouldn't happen to me. Not with everything I've already gone through. Not with now being a cop. How can I go through all this again? How do I deal with this shit? I'm so pissed.

I took the week off work. I thought I could've went back tonight. I thought I was ok. Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I started crying. How can a person cry so much? And so randomly? One moment I'm fine, next I'm drowning in my own tears. When will I be ok to go back to work? I seriously plan on going back on my Monday, which is Sunday. I still have to go to court this week (I've been subpoened to two court cases). I want my life to go back to normal. I want to have a fucking normal life.

Sweet Dreams

I am absolutely obsessed with this song. It's a song by Beyonce that describes in detail my little guilty pleasure...At the end of this post is the audio to the song. Listen to it as you read the lyrics :). (PS- it will also probably become obvious now as to where I got my blog title from).

Every night I rush to my bed
With hopes that maybe I'll get a chance to see you
When I close my eyes I'm going out of my head
Lost in a fairytale, can you hold my hands and be my guide?

Clouds filled with stars cover the skies
And I hope it rains, you're the perfect lullaby
What kinda dream is this?

You could be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Either way I don't wanna wake up from you(Turn the lights on)
Sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Somebody pinch me, your love's too good to be true(Turn the lights on)

My guilty pleasure, I ain't going no where
Baby long as you're here I'll be floating on air
'Cause you're my
You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Either way I don't wanna wake up from you(Turn the lights on)

I mention you when I say my prayers
I wrap you around all of my thoughts
Boy you're my temporary high
I wish that when I wake up you're there
To wrap your arms around me for real
And tell me you'll stay by side

Clouds filled with stars cover the skies
And I hope it rains, you're the perfect lullaby
What kinda dream is this?

You could be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Either way I don't wanna wake up from you(Turn the lights on)
Sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Somebody pinch me, your love's too good to be true(Turn the lights on)

My guilty pleasure, I ain't going no where
Baby long as you're here I'll be floating on air
'Cause you're my
You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Either way I don't wanna wake up from you(Turn the lights on)

Tattoo your name across my heart so it will remain
Not even death can make us part
What kind of dream is this?

You could be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Either way I don't wanna wake up from you(Turn the lights on)
Sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Somebody pinch me, your love's too good to be true(Turn the lights on)

My guilty pleasure, I ain't going no where
Baby long as you're here I'll be floating on air
'Cause you're my
You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Either way I don't wanna wake up from you(Turn the lights on)
Either way I don't wanna wake up from you

Motivated

This past week I've been attending a conference for women in law enforcement. The department actually signed me up and told me I was going... The organization, I thought, was geared more towards supervisors who are female... (that's what I gathered by the title of the organization anyway). Well, I was wrong.

It's for both. It's for those who are already of rank and it's for those looking to gain rank. It's for the newbies and the oldies. And I love it.

Today I saw two key speakers. One is a speaker who is quite famous in the LE (law enforcement) community (been on TV, hosts a lot of seminars, part of one of the most popular training program). She spoke about the differences in males and females and the way we think. In this profession, a lot of agencies won't discuss this topic. It's taboo. Women are just like the men. We all wear blue. We're all the same.

Well, no, we're not.

And that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Because women are different, we are able to bring a whole new approach to situations. We handle things a little bit differently. We think differently. So, I took a lot of notes and I'm going to approach the training sergeant (which is guess who) and tell him about it. I don't know if he'll take me seriously. My department, I've noticed, hasn't adapted as quickly as some others in this area. But, I can at least try. That way trainers can be trained in how to train a female. What to expect, that sort of thing.

The real motivating speaker I saw today was of a sergeant who was stabbed 10 times in a grocery store while working off duty. I don't know why this particular story had such an effect on me. I mean, don't get me wrong, every story I hear of an officer seriously injured or killed always hits a part of me. But this really motivated me... This woman was stabbed only a couple years ago. She should've died. But because of God, circumstances and her physical condition, she lived. She's recovering.

Listening to her story made me realize that I want to be like her. No, I don't want to get seriously injured. But I want that strength. That motivation to survive. The physical fitness to kick ass and survive a horrible attack. I want that ability if it were to happen. She lit a fire in me that I didn't realize was burning low.

I'm not saying I don't have a motivation to survive. Of course I have that mentality. Aint nobody gonna take my life or hurt me. I was just motivated to do more. Work harder. Be the best that I can be.

So, I got up and ran outside in 95 degree weather (lets not forget the level of humidity...). I ran about 2 miles. I used to do that more often, but ever since my back injury I was advised not to do it for awhile. Well, it's now or never. It felt good. Well, ok, the sweating sucked and the fatigue sucked, but man I feel good. I'm going to try and run every day like I used to. I want to go back and train in fighting like I used to (Krav). There's a lot that I let go because I got too busy and things were stressful. But I'm done with all that. Working out is the best stress reliever right? Ok, second best. Sex is #1.

This Explains It

Maybe it's not such a good idea to post a picture of myself on my blog... But, what the hell. I'm sick of being paranoid all the time.

Take a good look at my facial expression and body language. What does it read? Well, when I look at this picture, I notice my arms are crossed- meaning closed down. My lips are barely making a smile, if you can even call it a smile. I have an eyebrow raised sarcastically and my eyes are all attitude and cynic. This pose is the best for my mood currently.

I think I've had enough. I've had enough of people acting like assholes. I've had enough of being annoyed and angry all the time. Now that I've moved, a lot of weight and stress has left, but,I still felt a twinge of it all. Well, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the jerks in my life and I'm sick of letting them get to me. So I'm done with it all.

I have a new outlook. It's "Goodbye Drama, Hello I Don't Give a Shit" with a spice of "I am not A Bitch, I am The Bitch, and to you, it's Miss Bitch"

Insignificant

They say self esteem is a self reflection and based on that self reflection is what creates either poor self esteem or high self esteem. So it's all based on an inner perspective. I have another theory.

I agree that self esteem is based on self reflection. But where do we come up with that self reflection? That comes from all the outer influences. For example, say while growing up your parents tell you how much of a terrible and stupid kid you are. Then you have teachers telling you that you're worthless and your grades suck. Then you have kids teasing you because you look nerdy. What do you think your self esteem will be? Poor. Why? Because of the outer influences telling you what a peice of crap you are. Because of that outer influence now you have a poor self reflection. Same thing applies if your parents consistently praise you, your teachers speak highly of you and kids worship you. You would have a high self esteem.

I noticed this because my self esteem seems to fluctuate. One moment I think I'm the shit, the next I feel like I'm a peice of shit. And what I've noticed is my self esteem is being molded by the people around me and how I'm treated.

Lately, I've felt insignificant. As though I'm put on the back burner of everybody's mind. I'm either being ignored or thought of last. For example, I sent a text message to about 3 people the other day, and none of them ever responded. I'll send text messages, as opposed to calling people, when I feel the message doesn't require an immediate response, but typically requires a response (and all of these did). So, I don't care if someone takes awhile to respond. But to not respond at all?

I had also sent a message to somebody over the computer (at work), who didn't respond, so I called him, and he ignored my call. Then I sent a text message to the sergeant I've mentioned on here. I asked him to call me because I felt as though I owed him an apology (long story, I'll write about it later). I knew he was busy so when he didn't respond right away I didn't think much of it. Then it comes about 0130 hours and he hasn't responded or called (he gets off at 0100). I then go to the station to pick up equipment and see him in report writing working on a report. So I leave him to it and go back out to my car. He walks out on his way to his car as I'm about to back out of the parking lot and he looks at me. I rolled down the window and asked why he was still here and he says 'Reports' and walks away. It was very obvious he didn't want to talk to me. He never responded to my texts or called.

Why? Why do people treat me this way?

It pisses me off. It pisses me off because it makes me feel like shit and frankly, makes me feel like an ass. I feel like I put effort into people only to be treated less than what I'm worth. I feel like I get it from everyone everywhere. All the time.

It's like I'm going insane. I'm wanting to snap at people and tell them all to fuck off. Once I start getting attitude and pissy with people, then all of a sudden I'm a bitch and being over reactive and emotionally unstable.

Is that what it is? I don't even know anymore.

What I want to do is run away. I've been wanting to run away for a long time. Just leave this state, this part of the country. I want to go east. East or west. Anywhere but here (or the south- too hot). I wonder what would happen if I did just that. Would I even survive?

Finally Moved

This past week was brutal. My roommate and I were fighting like cats and dogs... Then, because she was angry with me (though she'll deny being angry), she wanted to charge me an extra $300 (first she said $500, then she lowered it). She used every excuse she could think of as to why I owed her that much, which I really didn't. I had agreed to pay to have the carpets cleaned, a mere $50, and to pay any overage in utilities (mainly that's for electric because of the summer months, which is about $50). I had already paid a full month's rent for July ($600, which includes rent, utilities and food). But it wasn't good enough.

My honest opinion about the whole situation is my roommate is short for money because of the wedding. I think she used me to get extra money. Maybe I'm just that untrustworthy and cynic of people, but that's how it felt.

I ended up paying it. Correction, my father ended up paying it. I hired an attorney and was going to fight her on it, but my father thought to handle it otherwise (behind my back). I actually hired an attorney because as I was staying with a friend, she decided to lock me out of the house and not give me my property. Which, in Kansas, is illegal. She had "hired" an attorney (a guy I dated, not even worthy of the title exboyfriend, go figure) and he advised her it was legal to keep my stuff. Well, it's not, and he would happily find any reason to piss me off.

Anyway, to make an already long story shorter, I got my stuff. We're supposedly on good terms, though I don't know if that was just for show since my family was around. We'll see. I cleaned my room and turned in the key today. So, if she speaks to me after this, that will be on her own accord. I was cordial these last couple days. Surpisingly.

My new apartment is great. I now live in the city I work for, which is a little weird. It's weird driving the streets that I drive in a patrol car, in my regular car. It's weird knowing that if something were to happen where police would be involved, it'd be my coworkers showing up. I don't know, it's just weird. An adjustment period I'm sure.

I love the apartment. I've already unpacked a majority of my things (and spend hundreds of dollars at Wal-Mart replacing lost items from my last move). I decided to do a green and blue color theme for my living room. Whenever I get the money, I plan on painting my living room walls green and have blue accents. The idea for my living room is something calm/relaxing. Actually, that's kind of the idea for my whole apartment. I spend so much of my time working and being stressed out that I want my home to be my haven.

My bedroom is going to be a blue and brown theme. I just purchased black out curtains. They cost me $60 so they better work! Luckily the black out curtains came in different colors, and I was able to find brown. I'm going to paint the walls blue and buy a new bed spread, which I found the perfect one at Wal-Mart for only $60.

My kitchen is going to be yellow and red. I already have red accents in the kitchen (a rug, dish organizer..).

The extra bedroom is currently holding my many boxes of books. I need to save up money to buy a new bookshelf so I can unpack it all. I have so many books now that it broke my last bookshelf. So, maybeI should buy 2...

I bought new shower curtains and rugs and matching towels for the guest bathroom. I tried to make it gender neutral in case I get a roommate... I still have yet to talk to Paul about his possible move in. If so, that bathroom would be his that I already decorated. My bathroom has the same theme as it did before. The girly theme with red accents. It's cute. :)

Anyway, so that's the update on my move. I'm happy to be in my own place and hopefully I'll begin to unwind. I've noticed I've been snippy and extremely tense these past couple weeks. My friend's have noticed too. But now that this is over with (and I have a massage appointment tomorrow...) I should be able to loosen up. I hope.

Insomnia or Anxiety?

I can't really say for sure... It could be a combination of both. I cannot sleep. It's about 11am. I should've been in bed at least by 9am. Being on the midnight shift really does mess with my sleep schedule.

That and I'm stressed out and anxious about just everything. After moving in with my current roommate, life has just become one big ball of stress. It was stressful before, definitely, but after moving here I never got comfortable. Hell, my things weren't even unpacked fully. My roommate, we'll call her Amy, and I had a very rough adjustment. We definitely do things differently. And sometimes (ok most times) she says things but really means something else. She says she doesn't, but previous cases and even the current one proves otherwise. It's gotten to the point where I'm just done arguing about it. She's too controlling and I know that if I even try to argue, she'll blow me off. So what's the point?

I feel like a man in a relationship. You know how the woman just goes crazy psycho on a guy because he didn't read her thoughts? That's exactly how I feel. This recent case- she sends me an e-mail about the last bills to pay. She talks about prorating the rent (since I'm moving out before the end of the month). Well, I already paid her rent for the month of July. So, if she wants to prorate it, I told her the amount I paid over. I suggested that she use the extra money towards any bills I might owe and if I still owe extra, then I'll pay. Well, she flips out about it. Told me that my "precise" amount ticked her off. What the hell? She basically told me in the e-mail that she expects me to pay over the amount because of all the things she's done for me (such as giving me VS bras she didn't want anymore, etc.). Well I'm sorry but when you do something nice for me, such as give me a present, I didn't realize that effected the amount of rent I pay. I guess I should start adding in the times I've treated her to dinner and a movie just for the hell of it and add that into rent. Please. Talk about shit I don't need.

So I'm not dealing with it. I told her I'd pay for rent and the utilities I owe. I told her I'd pay to have the carpets cleaned like you would in any apartment, and I'm out. That's all I owe and that's all I'm paying. Fuck being nice. I'm sick and tired of it.

I feel like I walk on egg shells with her all the time. And for people that know me, know that I don't do that. I speak my mind and if you don't like it, walk away. That's my motto and the way I live life. The only reason I dealt with this situation for so long was because I lived, basically, under her roof and she has such close connections to my job. The last time we got into a fight, she brought some of my coworkers into it and that pissed me off. She tells me she wants to leave work out of our personal life, but I guess that doesn't apply to me.

It's bullshit.

I'm extremely excited to be moving out of the house. I move in 6 days. Right now Amy is out of town and will return by the 26th. So I'll only have to deal with her for 3 days. Then I'm gone.

I'm venting here and I'm probably painting a really bad picture of her. She's not all that bad. I trust her with my secrets. She knows about Kurt (the Sgt) and I, and has guided me through those issues. But, still. She's taught me a lot, yes, but this amount of anxiety and stress I feel is over the top. Some nights I dread coming home- sometimes I don't. Even now, she's not even here, and I dread coming home. Nobody should feel like that. Home is supposed to be the sacred area you can go to escape.

I hope to God that all changes when I move. Remember when I said new beginnings? This is a huge new beginning.

That Didn't Take Long...

I didn't go to bed after work yesterday. Instead, I decided to look at both apartments and make a final decision based on today's experience. With only 10 days left until the big move, I have to make a decision where I'm moving to now.



I went to the apartment complex that's not in my city first. I was a little turned off because according to their machine and sign, they are supposed to be open at 0800 until 1700 Monday through Friday. So by 0845 on Friday morning, when I arrive at the apartment complex, I was extremely turned off to notice the leasing office was closed. I know I don't know the situation surrounding why it wasn't open, but it was a complete turn off that it was closed none the less.



So, all I was able to do was drive around the apartment complex. It's smaller, which is good. It means there shouldn't be too many issues surrounding the area so I wouldn't have a lot of work. But... The apartment complex is incredibly old. It's not as bad as some apartment complexes, like I've seen in ghetto KCMO, but still. Yeah, it's free... But that, combined with no washer and dryer hookups? And the fact the office wasn't open when it was supposed to be, indicating a lack of reliability? Hmm...



I went straight from there to the other complex within my city. I walked into the main office, which looked clean and decorated for summer. I immediately felt welcomed and I had a good feeling about the place. I adored the atomosphere and it truly wasn't what I expected at all. Maybe I was a bit tainted by going out there on calls often...

Anyway, I met with the leasing agent, Dorrie. She's a sweetheart. She showed me the apartment she would put me in if I decide to move in. The apartment is a spacious two bedroom. It's not one of the newer renovated models, and I'm glad. The difference between the newer model and the older model is the newer model has a couple updated appliances (fridge and stove) and it's been repainted (the newer model is also smaller). By taking the older model, they will allow me to paint the walls whatever I want. Did I mention they have a mini laundry room?

The discount for this complex is half off with electric as the only utility to pay. They also provide a free full size washer/dryer unit upon moving in. So, for a two bedroom apartment, I would be paying $390 a month plus whatever the electric bill is. I would imagine I'd pay $500 a month plus internet and cable (Dorrie said she'd get me a good discount because she has friends with Time Warner) and food. Not bad. Not bad at all.

So I made my decision. I decided to go ahead and move into the apartment complex within my city. It's convenient. Much nicer. And I hit it off with the leasing agent and management there. They're all sweethearts and I feel this would be a good thing. My apartment is right next to the leasing office (which is next to the pool) and I like it. I really like it.

I e-mailed Paul (he currently doesn't have a phone) and let him know I'm moving into the two bedroom. It's up to him if and when he wants to move in. I'm hoping he does, because I would charge him half of everything. Which would bring down my bills so much and I'd be able to pay off my debt, which is stressing me the hell out. We'll see.

I'm excited to move! A new beginning!

Choices

Last night, or should I say morning, I called the two different apartment complexes on my courtesy officer list... And now I have a choice to make....and it's a difficult one.

The first complex I called is not in the city I work in. They only have 1 bedroom apartments available and the courtesy officer position is extremely simple--so they tell me anyway. Get this, the rent... is free. And utilities? Free (except electric). That sounds just about perfect. Almost. The downfall? No washer/dryer hookups!!!!!! Can you believe this?! Where am I supposed to do my laundry? Now, they tell me they have laundry facilities on the property. But so what? I have a uniform I wash just about daily. I don't trust leaving my clothes unattended in a laundry facility for two hours, especially with my uniform in the mix. And I don't have the kind of time to sit in a laundry room for 2 hours while they're being washed and dried.

The second complex I called is in the city I work in. That has its downfalls... My coworkers will patrol the area, possibly keep an extra eye on my apartment building. Which is good...Until I start getting the questions. You know, the "where were you last night?" or "who was that parked outside of your place?". Basically, I will have a certain lack of privacy by living there. I'm not completely sure my coworkers would really keep that close of an eye on me, but, they are cops. And cops are suspicious, curious and nosey by nature (myself included). This specific apartment complex only has 2 bedroom apartments available. Which is great if I want a roommate. AND they have washer/dryer hookups. The discount is unknown though. Originally when they called, they said they would not give it to me for free but they didn't know the discount. I explained to them that because I'm a cop for their city, I do have more connections, and they're asking me to do more work than the other complex, so they should reconsider giving it to me for free. Not to mention, back when they had different management, it used to be free for officers. But, I don't know. They might only offer half off.

So what do I do? Half off is still good... But really only if I have a roommate to pay that other half. Paul is still deciding. Free rent and utilities is really really good. But the washer/dryer hookup thing is really bothering me. Last thing I want is for my uniform to get stolen while it's in the dryer.

Decisions, decisions.

Moving...again

I've moved from one living location to another 3 times within the past year and a half. And here I am about to move again- on July 29th.

I hate moving. I absolutely despise it. I hate packing and I hate the physical moving of the boxes/furniture. I hate unpacking and having all of my things unorganized and difficult to locate. I hate the stress of it all.

But, I don't really have a choice. My current roommate is getting married and I don't feel like living with a married couple. Not to mention, her fiance's twins are moving in and they need my room. It's all happening incredibly fast. I'll be honest... I'm not exactly thrilled with how fast it all needs to happen. I didn't get much notice...at all.

At the same time, it'll be nice to have my own place again. A new beginning, in a sense. While living here, as much good as it did me, it stressed me out really bad too. For a few reasons. One would include that this isn't my house. Yeah, I pay rent, but I feel as though I live at my parent's house. I can't have visitors here that my roommate doesn't know personally. I understand why (she has kids, is going through a custody battle, is a cop and doesn't trust people). But it sucks. A lot. She's a neat freak, which I've became accustomed to and I think she's rubbed off on me in a good way here. But, still. Too many rules for supposedly being on my own. Plus, we're both a cop in the same county (different cities) and that makes a difference too. As much as you want to say it all stays at home, it doesn't.

So I am happy that I'm getting my own place again. I'm not happy about the short amount of time I have to get out and moved. She gave me until August 9th, so her and her fiance have time to move his kids' stuff here before the wedding (August 18th). But, I have a NAWLEE conference (National Association of Women Law Enforcment Executives) that week and just prior to that I have off duty work and court. And to make expenses even worse, my tags are due for renewal.

I should be ok with expenses though. There are at least two apartment complexes that offer a courtesy officer position. This means that I can live there at some sort of discount if I act as the complex's security. Different complexes offer different discounts. It can range from 25% off to free rent. Guess which one I want? :) So, I'm currently in the process of finding the best discount. There is one complex that pays for all utilities except electric. I need to call to find out the courtesy officer discount there (I'm hoping for 50% or free). There's another complex that should offer free rent. Previously they had to the officers of that city (my city), but they changed management. So, I'm in the process of convincing them to allow that again. Pray for me!

Also, in addition, I might have a new roommate. If I do, my roommate will be Paul. Paul is an exboyfriend of mine and I've known him for close to 5 years now. Some people might consider this a bad move (being he was an ex) but I don't. Paul strictly is a friend and I can honestly say I have no intimate feelings for him anymore. It wouldn't bother me at all if he had another woman over at the house- unless it prohibits me from sleeping. :P Plus, might I add that male roommates are so much easier to deal with than females? Can I get an amen on that?

We'll see. I'll spend this morning calling the complexes and figuring out discounts. Here's hoping for the best!

Empowerment

My life is taking another turn. And even though not all my previous turns have been documented on a blog, I wanted to create a new blog and have it be part of this new "turn".

I used to have a blog. A couple years ago, I would log on daily and update the blog. The blog I used to have wasn't really about me. And some of the things I posted were silly. This blog is purely serving as an online diary. It's my escape. My stress release.

I'm pretty much an open book. So whoever stumbles across this and reads this...This will be the disclaimer. Don't get offended by my own personal opinions. If you do, just walk away. Or in this case, just "click" away from the website.
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I feel empowered. It's like I've been held down for so long, and only until recently did I realize I've been holding myself down. It took dismissing someone who I really didn't want to dismiss to become empowered. I feel like I've set myself free and it feels great. Dismissing this person was probably the best thing that's happened to me.

About a year ago, this guy and I became... More or less involved. It started off with innocent teasing, joking, and flirtation. That started in my field training when he trained me (July 08). After field training and after my year probationary period (in November 08), it all changed. It became more sexual, more "dangerous". We engaged in activities that would get us both fired, and those activities did not include sex. They included, without being too specific, text messages, inappropriate conversations, phone calls during off duty hours (middle of the night)...And while this all was going on he became promoted. First from MPO (Master Police Officer) to Corporal. Then quickly from Corporal to Sergeant. Sergeant being top dog before becoming part of Admin (those who don't work the streets- Lieutenant, Captain, Major and Chief).

Then, naturally, things became weird. We both fully knew and understood what was going on between us, however, we wouldn't acknowledge it to each other. It was like this personal secret. So secretive, that neither he or I could discuss it. Even when I tried, he would dismiss me. It was obvious who was more dominant and more in control. He was.

And here I was. Just going along with it. Wanting my control back and unable to obtain it. Still wanting what we had and what we were doing. I was conflicted in the worst way and everytime I tried to gain my control back, he'd snatch it in one way or another. I'm about 14 years younger than him (he's 36, I'm 22) and obviously inexperienced compared to him. He has all these tricks and tactics to control me. And to make matters worse, whenever I attempted to gain control, I would feel trapped at work. His position, especially now as Sergeant, became an intimidation factor over me. Never once was he out right threatening, but the threat was always there unspoken.

Let me add that he is great at his job and I have no qualms with that. He's fair and very good at separating personal issues from work while in the middle of dealing with something. But... Then it's not separated. Our fights would take place primarily at work (usually in a parking lot when we're talking together- alone). And quickly, as people got wind of our fights and noticed how we interacted together, I started looking bad in all of this. I heard rumors that we were sleeping together (untrue). I was the one that looked bad. Here I am, the young, seductive, single woman seducing an older, married, high standing Sergeant and father. So I look bad.

I'm not innocent. But I'm not alone. It takes two to tango.

So, several months ago, I stopped all contact. I deleted his number. I stopped talking with him at work. I know he was confused. I even took note that he would contact me for unnecessary reasons. Eventually that calmed down and we just didn't talk. It was easy because the both of us were on different shifts (he was on Days, I was on Evenings).

Now I'm on Midnights and he's on Evening 10-hour shifts. In other words, his shift overlaps with mine for 2 hours. And the first day on that shift, he started teasing me and treating me, with what I consider, disrespect. He's played games with me on Facebook. When I confronted him about this he said he was doing it for my reaction. He was waiting for me to come to him and confront him about it. To me, it was a pathetic way to get me to talk to him again. And here I am, being made to look silly and ridiculous in front of coworkers. I had it.

So I confronted him. I had my last confrontation. Here's how it went.

I met with him in the park at around midnight on July 14th. Yes, what I said was basically scripted, but I had it scripted so I'd remember everything I wanted to say to him. And after having the help with a good friend of mine (who knows this guy, who's the same age as this guy, and doesn't particularly like him), I knew this would be it. This would end whatever "friendship" or "relationship" we had. But, I feel as though I'm in this domestic violence cycle. First, it's all good (the "Honeymoon phase"). Then comes the "Abuse Phase" when he treats me like crap. Then I get all amped up to leave the situation and he pulls me back in. It's a vicious cycle and This would help me break away. And it did. Here's the script-

Me- “Several months ago, you and I had a conversation. In that conversation we had discussed that we had previously been inappropriate. We also discussed how we mutually agreed that we should maintain a professional friendship.”

Him- “Ok”

Me- “Do you remember that?”

Him- *Shrug*

Me- “Ok. Well yesterday I felt as though you were teasing me and treating me to a point where I felt it was disrespectful and inappropriate and insulting-“

Him- “I did not tease you yesterday and I do not tease you-“

Me- I waved my hands at him to cut him off. “Whatever. I think it would be questionable and potentially problematic if I request to change shifts. Please do not put me in a situation where I feel as though we can’t work together.”

Him- *Glaring*

Me- “Ok?”

Him- “Alright.”

Me- “Alright. That’s all I want to say to you or discuss with you. I am going to work now.”

Him- “Fine.”

Me- *Drives off*

During this contact it appeared as though he kept glancing at my camera. He was probably checking to make sure we weren't recording. And I didn't, however, I did document the contact. He's very pissed and I could tell the moment I cut him off. He doesn't like being cut off. He doesn't like not being in control. The following day he avoided me like the plague. I was happy, because I was too nervous to see him. His position puts him over me and still in control of me. And he's not one you'd want to be on his shit list. And I'm afraid I just put myself there.

But, I feel empowered and set free. And I'm so glad. It feels great. :)