I Had a Dream

No, not an inspiring, life changing dream. It was more so a nightmare, but it revealed a lot.

I had a dream that I walked up to doorway of the sergeant's office where Curt was seated, on the computer behind the desk. All I said to him was, "They're not going to prosecute". He turned in his chair and looked at me. It was that look he always gives. The "blank cop stare", which is hard to read most times, but then sometimes it's not. I knew he knew exactly what I was talking about. I walked in all the way and shut the door.

I knew he was my sergeant at the time, which indicates this would've been sometime between October and December (so in the future). What I was talking about was the district attorney's office was not going to file charges against my rapist.

I looked at Curt, pissed beyond belief. I started to vent and say how pissed off I was. How hurt I was. How I went through so much stress and so much pain and it was all for nothing. Then I told him how he didn't realize how bad a rape kit hurts to get done, and how I had to have it done not once but twice. I started to get emotional and I turned, so my back was facing him, and cried. I started off crying quietly, and then I couldn't control it, and I started to bawl. That heart wrenching cry that not even actors can portray.

He stood up and walked around the desk so he was standing behind me. Not within touching distance. He said something to the effect of, "It's going to be ok". I turned and looked at him. My eyes were bloodshot and watery. My makeup was all ruined and I looked raw. I said to him, "Why the hell am I even telling you this? You don't give a shit about me". He said, "I do. I care about you" to which I replied, "No you fucking don't. You don't care about me more than you care about anybody else. To you, I am just another cop on the street". I started walking for the door. He didn't follow me but he said "That's not true". I told him I was leaving. I knew I was scheduled to work that day, but I walked out.

I then woke up and I was crying. I felt the pain I felt in the dream and I was so confused. At first, I thought this actually had happened. The I realized Curt isn't my sergeant currently and I haven't heard one way or the other from the DA's office.I explained to my counselor the dream and told him I didn't know what it meant. Was it a premonition? Or was it just my anxiety? He explained it in a way I didn't even think of.

He said it has been theorized that each character within the dream represents a part of ourselves. So, I represented the hurt victim within the dream. The innocent, vulnerable part. And Curt represented the tough part of me. The part that is supposed to fend off the bad stuff and fight. The dream shows that I don't trust that the strong part of me will take care of things because it didn't when I was raped.

It sounds kind of weird, but it makes sense. My counselor believes this is my biggest problem. He said that it didn't necessarily start a few weeks ago with that incident, but it took place the first time I was raped, many many years ago. He also says that I don't have intimate connections with men because I don't trust myself. See, I thought it was because I honestly don't trust men. Which I guess is the outward appearance, but in reality, I don't trust that I can take care of myself if things go wrong. Which, makes sense. I've never thought of any of that before.

Now... How do I fix it? That's what I need to know.