Making a List, Checking it Twice

I got an e-mail today from my Oct-Dec sergeant, Curt** (for privacy issues, his name is spelled differently. Last thing I'd want is for him to stumble across this because his name popped up on a google alert...Same reason why my name isn't on here. These things get searched). And yes, this is the same sergeant I've spoke of previously. Anyway, in the e-mail, due to two of our officers going to specialty positions, evening shift is short and they need people to fill this position. He has asked one of us to move to evenings.

At first, I was like, YES!!!! I'll go!!! I'll e-mail him now and volunteer! Then I got to thinking... and realized, maybe going to evenings for that rotation wouldn't be such a great idea... So, I decided to make a Pros and Cons list for each.

Pros for evenings
-I don't have to deal with Curt and his drama
-Relatively normal schedule.. (work is 3pm to 11pm)
-More calls for service and more traffic enforcement.. So, I'll be busier
-Be able to work in daylight!

Cons for evenings
-I wouldn't get any holidays off and wouldn't get to see the family (This includes Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New years)
-Sgt. Smith frustrations (I love him, he's such a great guy. But when it comes to work, we conflict, a lot)
-Less personal time.. This is because I'm not a morning person, so I tend to wake up late and have only a couple hours before I have to go back to work.
-Tend to eat out more... Sad but true. Restaurants are open and the guys like to meet up and eat together.
-Hard to get a chance to work off duty jobs.

Pros for mids
-Though I wouldn't have holidays off, I would be able to still see my family on the holidays (since I work from 11pm to 7am)
-Would work with my favorite corporal :)
-I tend to have more personal time... I can sleep less on mids and still feel the same sometimes. It's weird.
-Easier to work morning/evening off duty jobs=more money.
-Tend to eat out less and cook more

Cons for mids
-No daylight, which can make for a crappy sleeping schedule at times... Sometimes it can be really hard to sleep and those days suck.
-A good friend of mine who's scheduled to be on my crew would most likely leave to go to evenings to fill the position.
-Curt drama, issues, frustrations, headaches.

Reviewing this list, I have more pros for continuing on the midnight shift. A huge factor is being able to see my family for the holidays, and still work. A huge con, which really influences me to move to evenings, is the Curt issue. The last time I was on his crew, about a year ago, he was corporal. And when we fought, or whatever, I still had a sergeant I could report to if I didn't feel comfortable going to Curt. Now that he's sergeant, I wouldn't have that luxury. And I know that even if I left to evenings, I may not have him as a sergeant now, but it would come eventually.

This is a hard decision. But, I love my family, I value my personal time and health. So, I think I'm going to continue on the midnight shift and endure Curt as best as I can. I hope my friend doesn't get moved off. I'm surprised they're asking someone from mids to fill eves, when mids is already so very short. I think they should just force someone from days to cover eves, since days is already stuffed with people. Oh well.

We'll see. It might turn out that I get forced to move, which in that case I'll just deal.

Future

After re-reading my last entry, I felt as though it sounded whiney. We deal with the cards we are dealt with. That has been my mentality for as long as I can remember. I know my life hasn't been great. It could be worse. And the only thing I can do now is better it. I know this.

Even if it's hard. I'll do it. I don't have any other choice now do I?

I plan to go back to school in the spring. I'll transfer out of the community college I had been going to, and attend a local university. I feel like I'm not really working towards much of anything going to the community college. I want a bachelor's degree. You can't get a bachelor's degree at a community college. Granted, you can get your 2 year degree and those credits will transfer. And the college I went to is a highly respected community college (rumored to be turning into a university some day). But, I think by attending a university, I'll feel more structured and more as though I'm on the direct path towards my ultimate scholarly goal.

I don't know what I want to major in. Can you believe that after all these years, I'm still undecided? I know what I enjoy. I enjoy my job. I enjoy studying the mind, how people think, different personality types, etc. So, psychology. But psychology is such a popularized and broad major and you can't do much with only a bachelor's in psychology. Which should motivate me to move forward with graduate school but it's already going to take so long to get my bachelor's degree. One step at a time. If all else fails, I can always just go to school for the rest of my life. I like school.

So, that's the plan. I'll apply for a student loan and use whatever's left over towards the debt I'm in now. I guess that doesn't make much sense... Create more debt to pay off debt. But, what else am I going to do? I won't qualify for a grant and I need money to go to school. I can't wait to be back.

Tonight's my day off but I'm going in to work DUI Enforcement. The last two nights I've arrested a DUI (while just on regular patrol), so here's hoping that I can get one during the actual enforcement of it.

Extreme Makeover

There are a lot of aspects in my life that's really messed up. Here, I'll make a quick list...

Faith- My relationship with God over the past few years has suffered immensley. When I moved in with my roommate, I went to church with her. Then things got stressful, we started getting in fights, and I stopped going. She exposed me in a really terrible way (and she had no right..) to the people of her church, and I was too humiliated to go back. She basically exposed my past (key word being- past) sexual deviance. So, I stopped going. I could never find a new church to go to... I hate going to church alone and every other church I'd been to in the past just didn't fit. So, it was a slippery slope after that. Stopped going to church. Stopped praying. Stopped my bible study...

Family- My family and I have always had problems. Every family has problems, we all know that. But mine's pretty much disfunctional. Growing up sucked (no need to reminisce), but now... My sister and I fight almost every time we see each other (though we did a good job of not fighting the other day). My mom says I'm the only one who's fucked up in the head (and I'm also one of the most successful, funny that). My brother ignores us. He loves us, I know that. But as for a real relationship, I don't think he's interested. My dad has probably been the most active recently. But because of his absence in the past, it's hard to mend it. And even now, he's not there emotionally. Just there when the car breaks down.

Finance- This is the most shitty. I am struggling, bad. I have about a thousand dollars (or more) in hospital/doctor bills. I owe $2,000 in my credit line with the bank. And other small, but over due, bills. Even my car payment has gotten behind. I can barely afford the monthly rent, car payment, electric, cable bills. Funny thing is, I don't get how I even got here. How the hell I'm struggling so bad when I get paid so much? Cops don't make a lot, but I make enough. Especially when rent is half off. I don't fucking get it and this stresses me out the most.

Past- There are a lot of things that has happened in my past that effect me today. Past family issues (absent father, absent mother, abusive step-mother). Past abuse issues (rape, molestation, physical/mental abuse from family). All of these things are unresolved.

Work- Work is constantly stressful. It always will be. It's just something to get used to. In my line a work, a lot of hard decisions are made almost daily. And, at least for me, I am constantly trying to make that right decision based on the law, training, my personal experience and the experience passed along to me from senior officers. I'm responsible for every decision made with my name attached to it, and I get that. I'm a do-gooder. Not crooked. And along with work is the personal work issues. Being a female. Trying to find my niche. Trying to fit in, which I don't think I ever really will. I think I fit in by not really fitting in... Also, working alongside a station full of men- you get testosterone. And everything attached with it. Use your imagination. And right now, I am the only female on my crew.

Personal- This is the second most screwed up category (first is Faith, third is Finances). This category correlates with my past and with the current events (rape by the ex). It all blends in and creates a personal relationship issue. I can't connect with men. It's always been that way. And recently, within the past couple weeks, I have no desire to be with a man intimately. I'd like to go on dates. Have a good time... Which, I don't think I've ever really done. But as for sex? Nope. Sorry, not interested. Sometimes the idea of sex sounds good, but then if I really think about seriously having sex with someone, I'm out. Even if I could play out my darkest fantasy right now, I wouldn't. I can't. Sex disgusts me.

School- I stopped going. The financial aspect hurt me so bad that I just stopped going. I regret that decision now. I love school. And I think I'm going to go back this spring. Maybe even get a loan and pay off a lot of my bills. I wouldn't really be paying it off, but at least it will be temporarily so I can breathe.

Reading this is kind of depressing. But I really am trying to fix it. The financial part is going to be really hard... But maybe if I get a student loan, I can take care of some of that. Then pay back the student loan when I graduate. *Sigh*

As for how I'm feeling... I'm numbed out. So, I'm good. I don't know if that's really all that healthy. That quote, "Do you want to function, or do you want to live?" keeps playing over and over in my head like a bad record. But for now, I'll take numbness and forgetfulnes to the pain.

Back On Track?

I don't know if my life was ever on track. But, from what I've experienced these past couple weeks, my life was a lot more on track before then it is now...

Did that make any sense? Ah, I don't know.

I'm back to work now. The first day was extremely tough. I was still within my own head, which made me feel, well, depressed. I didn't smile, I couldn't laugh at the stupid cop guy jokes. I didn't feel like being there. But I knew I had to be there because I think if I didn't go back, I'd never go back. I'm glad I did.. Even if the first day back sucked.

I drew attention to myself... I didn't mean to. It was my lack of enthusiasm that drew the attention. I laugh, I joke, I'm friendly, that's me. And I guess when the guys saw that I didn't do any of that, it drew attention. Funny, because my outgoing personality draws attention too. Will I ever just not draw attention?

One of the guys approached me and asked if I needed to talk. He said he didn't know what was going on but could tell I was hurting.. He said I didn't crack one smile in roll call, even when the guy's were making jokes. I didn't notice. I just wanted to be out of that crowd and in my car, alone, where I can just work. I told him I was fine, and moved along.

I had 11 contacts that day... I hardly get that many contacts during evening shift when there are more people out. I tried to stay busy, and frankly, I did a good job with that in the beginning of the shift, but as the night went on it got tough. I started drifting back into my own head again and right now, that's dangerous.

Anyway, I lived. I went back the second day, and that was easier. I smiled. I think I even laughed. I did, however, spend a lot of time talking and probably not as much time working... I feel guilty about that, but I guess I just needed to talk. So much is going on and I just wish it would all go away. There's always something happening to me and it's driving me insane. Do I bring it on myself? Maybe sometimes I do. I need to learn how not to do that. I'm desperate.

Yesterday, I felt almost completely normal. I laughed a lot and it felt good. I think part of the reason why I'm becoming more myself is I'm not thinking about what happened to me anymore. In matter of fact, I'm spending a great deal of time avoiding thinking about it. It's too painful. Too embarassing. Too humiliating. Too disgusting. It's easier not to think about it because the investigation has pretty much come to an end, and right now it's time to hurry up and wait for the DA's office to make a decision whether or not to file charges. I don't know what I'm going to do when that decision comes through. I don't even know what decision will please me most. I don't want to think about it.

Am I running away from my problems? Is going numb and not thinking about that pain bad? Am I handling this right? I prefer the numbness. I prefer running. I can function this way. I remember talking to this guy from work, the sergeant actually, about my past. I've been raped in the past and I guess I never dealt with it. It hurt too much. He told me that. He told me I had ran away from my problems and never truly dealt with them face to face. I told him that I am able to function that way. He said, "Would you rather function, or would you rather live?"And he doesn't know this, at least I don't think he does, but that made me cry. That one line brought on so many emotions that I had a breakdown. Lol, it's kind of funny actually. He put me back into therapy that day.

I never continued with therapy. The bill was way too high.

Since the department is so gracious in paying for therapy, I'm going. Maybe I'll even solve some things. Face the past. I don't know. I want to be happy. And right now, I'm just faking it. I'm a good faker.

Taking Steps

It's weird. I was hurt in a similar way as I was last weak years ago. As a kid. I never fully recovered from that trauma. I didn't have the guidance really. And just as I start to take on responsibility for my hurt, and start taking the appropriate steps to heal from it, this happens. God.

I don't know. I'm trying so hard not to let this tear me apart. I've been trying to surround myself with people. By surrounding myself with people I don't have time to think about what happened. I don't have time to think about how angry I am at myself, or any of that. But, just as soon as I go home and I'm alone, the feelings flood over me and I get really depressed.

Last night I got myself drunk. Just so I could stop thinking and stop feeling. It worked. But... I know it's wrong. So, I'm going to try really hard not to do that again. A long time ago I promised myself I'd never get drunk by myself. The only times I would get drunk is with friends in a social setting. Because as soon as you start getting drunk alone, that's when you become an alcoholic...Look at that, I already broke one of my own rules.

Right now my little sister is over here. I haven't seen her in awhile, so, I thought it'd be nice to have her over for the night. She hasn't seen my new apartment, nothing. So, I picked her up (yes, all the way from Lawrence, which is about an hour drive :P) and brought her here. I made dinner (some really good teriyaki chicken with red beans and rice and green beans). Then I made dessert (made some brownies with vanilla bean ice cream). She said the food was amazing, which makes me feel good. I never used to cook but have always wanted to. So I've been slowly but surely cooking simple recipes and learning other people's recipes. I guess, so far so good :). I've been refusing to eat out as much. Plus, being on the midnight shift, nothing is really open but McDonalds. For the record, I hate McDonalds.

So, today has been good... I don't feel 100%. I don't really know when I'll start to feel close to 100%. I'm going back to work on Sunday and I'm terrified to. The therapist I'm going to (which the department is paying for... which I think is incredibly generous) said that by going back to work it'll help me. Getting back on my regular routine will help me heal. I hope so. I hope I heal. I hate this pain. I hate feeling all these terrible things about myself and feeling like.. I don't know. It just all sucks. It ALL sucks.

I used to care for him, you know. Paul. When we were together, I think I loved him. I definitely cared for him. And even after we broke up, we remained friends. More like aquaintances, but I was comfortable with him. I don't have feelings like that for him anymore. Those feelings were long gone. But, a friendship, that still remained. He knew about my past. He knew about the abuse I suffered a long time ago. So, what he did to me... I feel so fucking betrayed. I feel so fucking hurt. How COULD he? I'm so angry. And at the same time, I STILL blame myself. I really, honestly think it's my fault.

Our friendship is over, obviously. The detective specifically told him that. At first I was so pissed at him that I didn't care. I really don't care. But what I really want is to just go off on him. Scream at him. Tell him how much he hurt me and how he's set me back on getting better. I'm angry that he didn't tell the detective the truth. That he knew I didn't want to. That's the "victim" in me. I guess. What the fuck ever. I know he didn't tell her the truth because he'd incriminate himself and make himself look bad. But still. It pisses me off beyond belief. It pisses me off so much.

I want to get over this anger. But I can't. It's a monster inside me that's clawing to get out, so it, or I, can attack everything and destroy everything in my path. It's so fucked up. I'm so fucked up now. I want to be better but I'm not. I want to be ok, but I really am not. Fuck.

A Bottle Of Wine

Goes a long way.

Then again, maybe not so far with me.

I've drank just about all of my wine. I had bought White Zin, my favorite type of wine. Abor Mist, which is cheap but oh so good. I've drank just about the whole bottle. Not quite the full bottle but close. I've filled my cup up 4 times now. It's not a small cup.

Probably shouldn't admit to all that. But, hey, at least I'm not driving. That would be bad.

This feels so much better. I know I'm drunk. I feel the fuzzyness. The cloudiness. The fog that takes away mental pain. Even some physical pain. Or maybe it just makes you forget. Whatever it's doing, I like. It's bad, I know. Alcoholism and all that. But this feels so much better than being present. You know? Present with my thoughts and anger and humiliation and depression. Feels so much better.

Today was, what I would consider, a good day... The best day all week. I got up and dressed for court, only to find out court had been dismissed or something like that. So I changed, did my makeup (which I haven't done all week, and those that know me- I don't leave the house without it) and went to the station to pick up another report, for my court case tomorrow. That was the first time I had been to the station since all this has happened. God, I felt like I almost had a anxiety attack. I go there and I feel like everybody is watching me, judging me. Like I was naked standing in front of all of them, and they were all disgusted with me. I felt like they all knew what had happened to me and saw me how I see me. A weak, disgusting thing.

I know, I know. They don't know. At least most of them don't. What they think is why is this chick here at work when she's on sick leave? Isn't she supposed to be sick? What the hell? And I know some of them were thinking that because they confronted me on it. One officer did. I didn't feel like talking.

And it took so much energy. So. Much. And it was almost funny how much energy it took to not cry. To "act normal". Even though acting normal for me would be laughing and joking and being carefree, which I was nowhere near. Honestly, I don't fucking feel so fucking carefree anymore. I feel jaded and pissed and marked up with a black permanent marker.

Anyway.

I later went to the movies with my friend. Went to see Harry Potter. Which, by the way, is sad. Then I came home, made some ramen noodles and decided to pop open my bottle of wine. And drink most of it.

The fuzziness feels so good. I wish I could do this all the time but I know that would turn me into an alcoholic. I don't even want to go there. But now I understand why alcoholics are alcoholics. It's a great pain reliever. Mental pain reliever.

Outside Looking In

Being alone inside my head is probably the scariest place to be right now.

One moment, I feel completely fine. "Normal". Acting my usual self, which is joking, laughing, playin around. Just when I feel like I'm ok and I'm moving on, not five minutes later, I'm breaking down crying. I'm angry. Pissed. Furious. And I'm humiliated and embarassed. I feel dirty and violated, which makes me even more furious.

Friday night/Saturday morning, I was raped by my ex boyfriend. And honestly, I feel like it's my fault. Yeah, yeah, everybody tells me it wasn't my fault. But I feel like it is. I feel like if I had only fought more, been more stern, used my gun, which was in the other room, on him. Anything. But really, I did nothing except tell him no over and over again. I was stern in my no's. I told him I didn't want to. I was sick. I wasn't in the mood. But he didn't listen and he kept doing it. I told him what he was doing hurt and I didn't want to do it, but he ignored me and kept doing it. I told him how pissed I was at him, even threatened to taze him, but all he did was laugh and say my no's meant yes. He didn't listen to me and he took what he wanted. At one point he got angry because I didn't want him to "finish". His anger scared me. I've seen him angry before.

Why didn't I fight? I don't know. Really. He was drunk. He was all over the place. He's a wrestler and is a lot stronger than me. Yeah, I've had training. But fuck training. How do you pull a gun on somebody that you once cared for so strongly? So all I did was push his face away, push him away and continued to say no.

I wasn't even going to turn it in. My friend did it for me. What sucks about this whole situation is not only do I feel all of what I feel now, I have to share it with people I work with. Granted, the county came out and is taking the report, to avoid getting my agency involved with my coworkers and friends. But still. I still know people who work for the county. I still see these people at training functions or meetings. These people know me and I know them. It's still even more humiliating. And I'm sure they're looking at me wondering why didn't I fight? How can she be so weak? I'm so very fucking weak.

And even going through all this and feeling all this, I then feel like it's not really happening to me. It's so weird. I think I feel like that most when I'm with the other cops/deputies or the detectives talking about the case or working on the case. I automatically switch into cop mode and try and think from a cop's perspective and review the crime scene and not feel the emotions. But even whlie I try and do that, it's clouded, because I'm still the victim. God I hate that word. Victim. Never would I think I'd be a victim again. Ever. Yet here I am. A Fucking Victim.

I'm so angry. I'm infuriated. I'm humiliated. I feel VIOLATED. This shit shouldn't happen to me. Not with everything I've already gone through. Not with now being a cop. How can I go through all this again? How do I deal with this shit? I'm so pissed.

I took the week off work. I thought I could've went back tonight. I thought I was ok. Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I started crying. How can a person cry so much? And so randomly? One moment I'm fine, next I'm drowning in my own tears. When will I be ok to go back to work? I seriously plan on going back on my Monday, which is Sunday. I still have to go to court this week (I've been subpoened to two court cases). I want my life to go back to normal. I want to have a fucking normal life.

Sweet Dreams

I am absolutely obsessed with this song. It's a song by Beyonce that describes in detail my little guilty pleasure...At the end of this post is the audio to the song. Listen to it as you read the lyrics :). (PS- it will also probably become obvious now as to where I got my blog title from).

Every night I rush to my bed
With hopes that maybe I'll get a chance to see you
When I close my eyes I'm going out of my head
Lost in a fairytale, can you hold my hands and be my guide?

Clouds filled with stars cover the skies
And I hope it rains, you're the perfect lullaby
What kinda dream is this?

You could be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Either way I don't wanna wake up from you(Turn the lights on)
Sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Somebody pinch me, your love's too good to be true(Turn the lights on)

My guilty pleasure, I ain't going no where
Baby long as you're here I'll be floating on air
'Cause you're my
You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Either way I don't wanna wake up from you(Turn the lights on)

I mention you when I say my prayers
I wrap you around all of my thoughts
Boy you're my temporary high
I wish that when I wake up you're there
To wrap your arms around me for real
And tell me you'll stay by side

Clouds filled with stars cover the skies
And I hope it rains, you're the perfect lullaby
What kinda dream is this?

You could be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Either way I don't wanna wake up from you(Turn the lights on)
Sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Somebody pinch me, your love's too good to be true(Turn the lights on)

My guilty pleasure, I ain't going no where
Baby long as you're here I'll be floating on air
'Cause you're my
You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Either way I don't wanna wake up from you(Turn the lights on)

Tattoo your name across my heart so it will remain
Not even death can make us part
What kind of dream is this?

You could be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Either way I don't wanna wake up from you(Turn the lights on)
Sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Somebody pinch me, your love's too good to be true(Turn the lights on)

My guilty pleasure, I ain't going no where
Baby long as you're here I'll be floating on air
'Cause you're my
You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Either way I don't wanna wake up from you(Turn the lights on)
Either way I don't wanna wake up from you

Motivated

This past week I've been attending a conference for women in law enforcement. The department actually signed me up and told me I was going... The organization, I thought, was geared more towards supervisors who are female... (that's what I gathered by the title of the organization anyway). Well, I was wrong.

It's for both. It's for those who are already of rank and it's for those looking to gain rank. It's for the newbies and the oldies. And I love it.

Today I saw two key speakers. One is a speaker who is quite famous in the LE (law enforcement) community (been on TV, hosts a lot of seminars, part of one of the most popular training program). She spoke about the differences in males and females and the way we think. In this profession, a lot of agencies won't discuss this topic. It's taboo. Women are just like the men. We all wear blue. We're all the same.

Well, no, we're not.

And that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Because women are different, we are able to bring a whole new approach to situations. We handle things a little bit differently. We think differently. So, I took a lot of notes and I'm going to approach the training sergeant (which is guess who) and tell him about it. I don't know if he'll take me seriously. My department, I've noticed, hasn't adapted as quickly as some others in this area. But, I can at least try. That way trainers can be trained in how to train a female. What to expect, that sort of thing.

The real motivating speaker I saw today was of a sergeant who was stabbed 10 times in a grocery store while working off duty. I don't know why this particular story had such an effect on me. I mean, don't get me wrong, every story I hear of an officer seriously injured or killed always hits a part of me. But this really motivated me... This woman was stabbed only a couple years ago. She should've died. But because of God, circumstances and her physical condition, she lived. She's recovering.

Listening to her story made me realize that I want to be like her. No, I don't want to get seriously injured. But I want that strength. That motivation to survive. The physical fitness to kick ass and survive a horrible attack. I want that ability if it were to happen. She lit a fire in me that I didn't realize was burning low.

I'm not saying I don't have a motivation to survive. Of course I have that mentality. Aint nobody gonna take my life or hurt me. I was just motivated to do more. Work harder. Be the best that I can be.

So, I got up and ran outside in 95 degree weather (lets not forget the level of humidity...). I ran about 2 miles. I used to do that more often, but ever since my back injury I was advised not to do it for awhile. Well, it's now or never. It felt good. Well, ok, the sweating sucked and the fatigue sucked, but man I feel good. I'm going to try and run every day like I used to. I want to go back and train in fighting like I used to (Krav). There's a lot that I let go because I got too busy and things were stressful. But I'm done with all that. Working out is the best stress reliever right? Ok, second best. Sex is #1.

This Explains It

Maybe it's not such a good idea to post a picture of myself on my blog... But, what the hell. I'm sick of being paranoid all the time.

Take a good look at my facial expression and body language. What does it read? Well, when I look at this picture, I notice my arms are crossed- meaning closed down. My lips are barely making a smile, if you can even call it a smile. I have an eyebrow raised sarcastically and my eyes are all attitude and cynic. This pose is the best for my mood currently.

I think I've had enough. I've had enough of people acting like assholes. I've had enough of being annoyed and angry all the time. Now that I've moved, a lot of weight and stress has left, but,I still felt a twinge of it all. Well, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the jerks in my life and I'm sick of letting them get to me. So I'm done with it all.

I have a new outlook. It's "Goodbye Drama, Hello I Don't Give a Shit" with a spice of "I am not A Bitch, I am The Bitch, and to you, it's Miss Bitch"

Insignificant

They say self esteem is a self reflection and based on that self reflection is what creates either poor self esteem or high self esteem. So it's all based on an inner perspective. I have another theory.

I agree that self esteem is based on self reflection. But where do we come up with that self reflection? That comes from all the outer influences. For example, say while growing up your parents tell you how much of a terrible and stupid kid you are. Then you have teachers telling you that you're worthless and your grades suck. Then you have kids teasing you because you look nerdy. What do you think your self esteem will be? Poor. Why? Because of the outer influences telling you what a peice of crap you are. Because of that outer influence now you have a poor self reflection. Same thing applies if your parents consistently praise you, your teachers speak highly of you and kids worship you. You would have a high self esteem.

I noticed this because my self esteem seems to fluctuate. One moment I think I'm the shit, the next I feel like I'm a peice of shit. And what I've noticed is my self esteem is being molded by the people around me and how I'm treated.

Lately, I've felt insignificant. As though I'm put on the back burner of everybody's mind. I'm either being ignored or thought of last. For example, I sent a text message to about 3 people the other day, and none of them ever responded. I'll send text messages, as opposed to calling people, when I feel the message doesn't require an immediate response, but typically requires a response (and all of these did). So, I don't care if someone takes awhile to respond. But to not respond at all?

I had also sent a message to somebody over the computer (at work), who didn't respond, so I called him, and he ignored my call. Then I sent a text message to the sergeant I've mentioned on here. I asked him to call me because I felt as though I owed him an apology (long story, I'll write about it later). I knew he was busy so when he didn't respond right away I didn't think much of it. Then it comes about 0130 hours and he hasn't responded or called (he gets off at 0100). I then go to the station to pick up equipment and see him in report writing working on a report. So I leave him to it and go back out to my car. He walks out on his way to his car as I'm about to back out of the parking lot and he looks at me. I rolled down the window and asked why he was still here and he says 'Reports' and walks away. It was very obvious he didn't want to talk to me. He never responded to my texts or called.

Why? Why do people treat me this way?

It pisses me off. It pisses me off because it makes me feel like shit and frankly, makes me feel like an ass. I feel like I put effort into people only to be treated less than what I'm worth. I feel like I get it from everyone everywhere. All the time.

It's like I'm going insane. I'm wanting to snap at people and tell them all to fuck off. Once I start getting attitude and pissy with people, then all of a sudden I'm a bitch and being over reactive and emotionally unstable.

Is that what it is? I don't even know anymore.

What I want to do is run away. I've been wanting to run away for a long time. Just leave this state, this part of the country. I want to go east. East or west. Anywhere but here (or the south- too hot). I wonder what would happen if I did just that. Would I even survive?