Insignificant

They say self esteem is a self reflection and based on that self reflection is what creates either poor self esteem or high self esteem. So it's all based on an inner perspective. I have another theory.

I agree that self esteem is based on self reflection. But where do we come up with that self reflection? That comes from all the outer influences. For example, say while growing up your parents tell you how much of a terrible and stupid kid you are. Then you have teachers telling you that you're worthless and your grades suck. Then you have kids teasing you because you look nerdy. What do you think your self esteem will be? Poor. Why? Because of the outer influences telling you what a peice of crap you are. Because of that outer influence now you have a poor self reflection. Same thing applies if your parents consistently praise you, your teachers speak highly of you and kids worship you. You would have a high self esteem.

I noticed this because my self esteem seems to fluctuate. One moment I think I'm the shit, the next I feel like I'm a peice of shit. And what I've noticed is my self esteem is being molded by the people around me and how I'm treated.

Lately, I've felt insignificant. As though I'm put on the back burner of everybody's mind. I'm either being ignored or thought of last. For example, I sent a text message to about 3 people the other day, and none of them ever responded. I'll send text messages, as opposed to calling people, when I feel the message doesn't require an immediate response, but typically requires a response (and all of these did). So, I don't care if someone takes awhile to respond. But to not respond at all?

I had also sent a message to somebody over the computer (at work), who didn't respond, so I called him, and he ignored my call. Then I sent a text message to the sergeant I've mentioned on here. I asked him to call me because I felt as though I owed him an apology (long story, I'll write about it later). I knew he was busy so when he didn't respond right away I didn't think much of it. Then it comes about 0130 hours and he hasn't responded or called (he gets off at 0100). I then go to the station to pick up equipment and see him in report writing working on a report. So I leave him to it and go back out to my car. He walks out on his way to his car as I'm about to back out of the parking lot and he looks at me. I rolled down the window and asked why he was still here and he says 'Reports' and walks away. It was very obvious he didn't want to talk to me. He never responded to my texts or called.

Why? Why do people treat me this way?

It pisses me off. It pisses me off because it makes me feel like shit and frankly, makes me feel like an ass. I feel like I put effort into people only to be treated less than what I'm worth. I feel like I get it from everyone everywhere. All the time.

It's like I'm going insane. I'm wanting to snap at people and tell them all to fuck off. Once I start getting attitude and pissy with people, then all of a sudden I'm a bitch and being over reactive and emotionally unstable.

Is that what it is? I don't even know anymore.

What I want to do is run away. I've been wanting to run away for a long time. Just leave this state, this part of the country. I want to go east. East or west. Anywhere but here (or the south- too hot). I wonder what would happen if I did just that. Would I even survive?