Taking Steps

It's weird. I was hurt in a similar way as I was last weak years ago. As a kid. I never fully recovered from that trauma. I didn't have the guidance really. And just as I start to take on responsibility for my hurt, and start taking the appropriate steps to heal from it, this happens. God.

I don't know. I'm trying so hard not to let this tear me apart. I've been trying to surround myself with people. By surrounding myself with people I don't have time to think about what happened. I don't have time to think about how angry I am at myself, or any of that. But, just as soon as I go home and I'm alone, the feelings flood over me and I get really depressed.

Last night I got myself drunk. Just so I could stop thinking and stop feeling. It worked. But... I know it's wrong. So, I'm going to try really hard not to do that again. A long time ago I promised myself I'd never get drunk by myself. The only times I would get drunk is with friends in a social setting. Because as soon as you start getting drunk alone, that's when you become an alcoholic...Look at that, I already broke one of my own rules.

Right now my little sister is over here. I haven't seen her in awhile, so, I thought it'd be nice to have her over for the night. She hasn't seen my new apartment, nothing. So, I picked her up (yes, all the way from Lawrence, which is about an hour drive :P) and brought her here. I made dinner (some really good teriyaki chicken with red beans and rice and green beans). Then I made dessert (made some brownies with vanilla bean ice cream). She said the food was amazing, which makes me feel good. I never used to cook but have always wanted to. So I've been slowly but surely cooking simple recipes and learning other people's recipes. I guess, so far so good :). I've been refusing to eat out as much. Plus, being on the midnight shift, nothing is really open but McDonalds. For the record, I hate McDonalds.

So, today has been good... I don't feel 100%. I don't really know when I'll start to feel close to 100%. I'm going back to work on Sunday and I'm terrified to. The therapist I'm going to (which the department is paying for... which I think is incredibly generous) said that by going back to work it'll help me. Getting back on my regular routine will help me heal. I hope so. I hope I heal. I hate this pain. I hate feeling all these terrible things about myself and feeling like.. I don't know. It just all sucks. It ALL sucks.

I used to care for him, you know. Paul. When we were together, I think I loved him. I definitely cared for him. And even after we broke up, we remained friends. More like aquaintances, but I was comfortable with him. I don't have feelings like that for him anymore. Those feelings were long gone. But, a friendship, that still remained. He knew about my past. He knew about the abuse I suffered a long time ago. So, what he did to me... I feel so fucking betrayed. I feel so fucking hurt. How COULD he? I'm so angry. And at the same time, I STILL blame myself. I really, honestly think it's my fault.

Our friendship is over, obviously. The detective specifically told him that. At first I was so pissed at him that I didn't care. I really don't care. But what I really want is to just go off on him. Scream at him. Tell him how much he hurt me and how he's set me back on getting better. I'm angry that he didn't tell the detective the truth. That he knew I didn't want to. That's the "victim" in me. I guess. What the fuck ever. I know he didn't tell her the truth because he'd incriminate himself and make himself look bad. But still. It pisses me off beyond belief. It pisses me off so much.

I want to get over this anger. But I can't. It's a monster inside me that's clawing to get out, so it, or I, can attack everything and destroy everything in my path. It's so fucked up. I'm so fucked up now. I want to be better but I'm not. I want to be ok, but I really am not. Fuck.