Extreme Makeover

There are a lot of aspects in my life that's really messed up. Here, I'll make a quick list...

Faith- My relationship with God over the past few years has suffered immensley. When I moved in with my roommate, I went to church with her. Then things got stressful, we started getting in fights, and I stopped going. She exposed me in a really terrible way (and she had no right..) to the people of her church, and I was too humiliated to go back. She basically exposed my past (key word being- past) sexual deviance. So, I stopped going. I could never find a new church to go to... I hate going to church alone and every other church I'd been to in the past just didn't fit. So, it was a slippery slope after that. Stopped going to church. Stopped praying. Stopped my bible study...

Family- My family and I have always had problems. Every family has problems, we all know that. But mine's pretty much disfunctional. Growing up sucked (no need to reminisce), but now... My sister and I fight almost every time we see each other (though we did a good job of not fighting the other day). My mom says I'm the only one who's fucked up in the head (and I'm also one of the most successful, funny that). My brother ignores us. He loves us, I know that. But as for a real relationship, I don't think he's interested. My dad has probably been the most active recently. But because of his absence in the past, it's hard to mend it. And even now, he's not there emotionally. Just there when the car breaks down.

Finance- This is the most shitty. I am struggling, bad. I have about a thousand dollars (or more) in hospital/doctor bills. I owe $2,000 in my credit line with the bank. And other small, but over due, bills. Even my car payment has gotten behind. I can barely afford the monthly rent, car payment, electric, cable bills. Funny thing is, I don't get how I even got here. How the hell I'm struggling so bad when I get paid so much? Cops don't make a lot, but I make enough. Especially when rent is half off. I don't fucking get it and this stresses me out the most.

Past- There are a lot of things that has happened in my past that effect me today. Past family issues (absent father, absent mother, abusive step-mother). Past abuse issues (rape, molestation, physical/mental abuse from family). All of these things are unresolved.

Work- Work is constantly stressful. It always will be. It's just something to get used to. In my line a work, a lot of hard decisions are made almost daily. And, at least for me, I am constantly trying to make that right decision based on the law, training, my personal experience and the experience passed along to me from senior officers. I'm responsible for every decision made with my name attached to it, and I get that. I'm a do-gooder. Not crooked. And along with work is the personal work issues. Being a female. Trying to find my niche. Trying to fit in, which I don't think I ever really will. I think I fit in by not really fitting in... Also, working alongside a station full of men- you get testosterone. And everything attached with it. Use your imagination. And right now, I am the only female on my crew.

Personal- This is the second most screwed up category (first is Faith, third is Finances). This category correlates with my past and with the current events (rape by the ex). It all blends in and creates a personal relationship issue. I can't connect with men. It's always been that way. And recently, within the past couple weeks, I have no desire to be with a man intimately. I'd like to go on dates. Have a good time... Which, I don't think I've ever really done. But as for sex? Nope. Sorry, not interested. Sometimes the idea of sex sounds good, but then if I really think about seriously having sex with someone, I'm out. Even if I could play out my darkest fantasy right now, I wouldn't. I can't. Sex disgusts me.

School- I stopped going. The financial aspect hurt me so bad that I just stopped going. I regret that decision now. I love school. And I think I'm going to go back this spring. Maybe even get a loan and pay off a lot of my bills. I wouldn't really be paying it off, but at least it will be temporarily so I can breathe.

Reading this is kind of depressing. But I really am trying to fix it. The financial part is going to be really hard... But maybe if I get a student loan, I can take care of some of that. Then pay back the student loan when I graduate. *Sigh*

As for how I'm feeling... I'm numbed out. So, I'm good. I don't know if that's really all that healthy. That quote, "Do you want to function, or do you want to live?" keeps playing over and over in my head like a bad record. But for now, I'll take numbness and forgetfulnes to the pain.