Back On Track?

I don't know if my life was ever on track. But, from what I've experienced these past couple weeks, my life was a lot more on track before then it is now...

Did that make any sense? Ah, I don't know.

I'm back to work now. The first day was extremely tough. I was still within my own head, which made me feel, well, depressed. I didn't smile, I couldn't laugh at the stupid cop guy jokes. I didn't feel like being there. But I knew I had to be there because I think if I didn't go back, I'd never go back. I'm glad I did.. Even if the first day back sucked.

I drew attention to myself... I didn't mean to. It was my lack of enthusiasm that drew the attention. I laugh, I joke, I'm friendly, that's me. And I guess when the guys saw that I didn't do any of that, it drew attention. Funny, because my outgoing personality draws attention too. Will I ever just not draw attention?

One of the guys approached me and asked if I needed to talk. He said he didn't know what was going on but could tell I was hurting.. He said I didn't crack one smile in roll call, even when the guy's were making jokes. I didn't notice. I just wanted to be out of that crowd and in my car, alone, where I can just work. I told him I was fine, and moved along.

I had 11 contacts that day... I hardly get that many contacts during evening shift when there are more people out. I tried to stay busy, and frankly, I did a good job with that in the beginning of the shift, but as the night went on it got tough. I started drifting back into my own head again and right now, that's dangerous.

Anyway, I lived. I went back the second day, and that was easier. I smiled. I think I even laughed. I did, however, spend a lot of time talking and probably not as much time working... I feel guilty about that, but I guess I just needed to talk. So much is going on and I just wish it would all go away. There's always something happening to me and it's driving me insane. Do I bring it on myself? Maybe sometimes I do. I need to learn how not to do that. I'm desperate.

Yesterday, I felt almost completely normal. I laughed a lot and it felt good. I think part of the reason why I'm becoming more myself is I'm not thinking about what happened to me anymore. In matter of fact, I'm spending a great deal of time avoiding thinking about it. It's too painful. Too embarassing. Too humiliating. Too disgusting. It's easier not to think about it because the investigation has pretty much come to an end, and right now it's time to hurry up and wait for the DA's office to make a decision whether or not to file charges. I don't know what I'm going to do when that decision comes through. I don't even know what decision will please me most. I don't want to think about it.

Am I running away from my problems? Is going numb and not thinking about that pain bad? Am I handling this right? I prefer the numbness. I prefer running. I can function this way. I remember talking to this guy from work, the sergeant actually, about my past. I've been raped in the past and I guess I never dealt with it. It hurt too much. He told me that. He told me I had ran away from my problems and never truly dealt with them face to face. I told him that I am able to function that way. He said, "Would you rather function, or would you rather live?"And he doesn't know this, at least I don't think he does, but that made me cry. That one line brought on so many emotions that I had a breakdown. Lol, it's kind of funny actually. He put me back into therapy that day.

I never continued with therapy. The bill was way too high.

Since the department is so gracious in paying for therapy, I'm going. Maybe I'll even solve some things. Face the past. I don't know. I want to be happy. And right now, I'm just faking it. I'm a good faker.