I Didn't Realize

I didn't realize I had it in me. In matter of fact, until last night, I was convinced it was gone from me permanately.

Last night, Travis came over. Now, to sum up a very long story... Travis is 25, works for a local police department that borders the city I work for. He and I met at the academy over a year ago (2 years in January)... He wasn't actually part of my academy class... He used to work for KCMO PD but left that department (politics, very high crime daily, etc.) and came over to the Kansas side. Since he went to Kansas City's academy, he only had to take the law portion of my academy class. Anyway, we hit it off from the second we met.

This is why I like him. He's down to earth. He's "black" but actually is white.. It's hard to explain. He grew up in WyCo (Kansas City Kansas) in a hard neighborhood. So he has that "hood" in him that is a part of me. And just like me, instead of living a life of crime (the way our childhood designed), we live the opposite "good" life. But we never lost our personality.

So, that is why we hit it off. When we met, he was married. His marriage was on the verge of ending, but hadn't ended yet and we had a few indescretions.. Never once did we have sex, but he cheated. I felt bad. We both felt bad and he and I stopped talking. For months. Recently he contacted me again. He's divorced and happily on the prowl. Me? Well, if you've read the previous posts, my life has turned upside down recently. It's hard to say what I want. But nothing casual.

Anyway, I am his only friend that's a girl. All the other girls, he's just tryin to have sex with. He's told me that I am the "coolest" girl he knows and can tell me pretty much anything. He also made it very clear that he wants to have sex with me too, but it's different with me. He wants to keep our friendship. I know better though. I know sex would ruin our friendship so I've told him- no sex. Now, I actually really do want to have sex with him. Really bad. But, until last night, I had thought I actually didn't based on current events.

So he came over last night. I hadn't seen him in months. Our contact has strictly been over the phone by text or calls, almost daily for a few months now. He came over and he looks different. Better... Ever since his divorce, he's been out at the gym, daily. Pumping iron. And it is very obvious. His body... Wow.

We watched a movie. We cuddled. He rubbed my back and just ran his hand along my arm or my waist, stuff that was gentle and subtle but there. I liked it, a lot. I didn't think I would, but I did. Then after the movie, I snatched his phone and we wrestled. Not exactly your cute guy/girl wrestle. Oh no. We're both cops. We both went at it. We wrestled and fought and it was fun. There were moments when he'd pin me and would graze his lips across my neck. Or my side. Cute stuff. At one point, he pinned me against the couch and I leaned in. Our lips touched, I opened my mouth, he opened his and there was a very, very small kiss. Then I pulled away and said we couldn't...

Then things got heated again and he had to pull away. Before he even came over, I told him we weren't going to have sex. He said he respected my decision not to have sex, and because I'm his friend, he wouldn't allow us to. Even after I pretty much had succumb to seduction and changed my mind. He knew I would've regretted it so he wouldn't let it go that far.

After that, we just started talking about anything and everything. The heat was gone and he stayed an additional hour just talking and telling me things. He told me stories of things that happened to him at his old PD and it was nice. Then he left.

What I didn't realize I had in me was... I don't know. For one, I didn't realize I'd actually want to have sex with him. I mean, I did before.. you know. But lately the idea of sex has been disgusting. I don't know what it is about him, but he's always been different. Even before. It's almost like we made that connection that I've never had with any man. He's my best guy-friend, and we have a sexual attraction.

He's on the rebound. He's hurt from the divorce- whether he'll admit it or not- and he won't. I know he needs his time and I know we can't have sex or anything of that nature. I just learned something about myself last night... Well, one- I need to have better self control. Lol. And two-I'm not completely damaged, which is good to know. Now, to let him know things aren't weird, I won't call him for a week, or until he calls me. That sounds childish and silly, but that's how he works. At least right now that's how he works. He doesn't want someone clingy, he doesn't want any of that, and I don't want him to think that's what I want either. Plus, maybe I should break off from him for a little bit. I think maybe I'm starting to feel things I really can't feel for him right now.

But man... He is hot.